In the last 72 hours I have had the following conversations or things said to me by male friends:
Me: Why do I put myself into these situations?
J: Because you think like a man.
J: Because you think like a man.
Me: With my penis?
J: Pretty much.
J: Pretty much.
D: You’re not offended; I know you’re a man when it comes to sex and sexual humor.
Me: Why do I always get hit on by girls?
R: Maybe because you act like one of the guys.
R: Maybe because you act like one of the guys.
P: You know what it’s like when you’re banging the hottest chick ever…
Me: Uhm…. No… I don’t.
P: Oh.
Me: You do realize I don’t actually have a penis, right?
I enjoy being a guy’s gal, but I’m not actually striving to become a dude! I feel like this notion is spiraling out of control. I can’t help but prefer to hang out with guys; I just have a better time when I do. That being said, I realize where my gender obligations lie and I try to maintain contact with the pink team. I have my solid few girlfriends (like Abz), but they are all girls who act just as “male” as I do (or at least close to it.) During high school, while most girls were talking about shopping or the cute science teacher, our group was talking about farting. (How HOT are we?) When I do feel the need to partake in a girly event I usually spend the entire evening with the jaws song playing on repeat in my head; it feels like my life is likely to end. When I’m in such scenarios, my guy friends are familiar with receiving texts messages such as,
“I want to shoot myself in the head.”
“They are talking about panty hoes.”
“They just ordered LIGHT beer!!!!”
“I went to the bathroom… and they all came with me…”
“They are talking about panty hoes… still.”
Or
“They are fighting because they all just found out they are sleeping with the same guy… I fucked him two years ago… I’m keeping my mouth shut!!!”
Every time I survive the near death experience of hanging out with a group of girls (girly girls) I swear up, down, left, right, and centre that my allegiance will NEVER leave the blue team. Never ever ever ever ever! That was, until the last 72 hours. The first comment was funny, the second comment was funny because it reminded me of the first comment, the third comment made me start to wonder if I have a problem, and the fourth comment put the nail through the coffin.
I am officially heading to the mall to buy every pink item I can find. Pink shirts, pink shoes, pink purses, pink pillows, pink sparkly bumper stickers that say, ‘PRINCESS!!’ Ima do this. Ima a chick. For real. I swear.
