We are now 6 14 days into the new year. It has become painfully obvious that perhaps I might have some commitment issues as in my original statement I pledged reliability and follow-through. It has been 9 days since I’ve opened this file back up. If I were any better in arithmetic I would give the number of hours to punctuate my point. Alas, I’ll just say 9 days is a lot of hours spent not writing this article considering I can’t recall anything of significance that pulled me away. Better late than never? Perhaps that isn’t the best motto to live by when the New Year signifies resolutions and (empty?)promises. I’m off to a great stop. 2011! This is our year!
Ringing in a new year is a great time to take stock of your life and re-evaluate the fuck-ups of a year past. Most try to figure out how to avoid repeating the same mistakes however these avoidance efforts typically result in producing a whole new set of, probably worse than ever before pitfalls. It’s gonna be a banner year!
Now I’ve heard before that someone once said to write well is to write what you know. Through a little something called self-reflection I discovered I pretty much know nothing. My professional and personal life isn’t what you’d call “great on paper”. That might not necessarily be a bad thing since “great on paper” isn’t my description of choice for myself anyways but it certainly has got me wondering what the fuck I’m doing.
Through a soul-searching combination of reading horoscopes, binge drinking, channelling meaning through song lyrics and masturbating quite a bit, I’ve decided proactive hard work is the only way to salvation in 2011. The goal is for 2012 to jump slightly from what the fuck am I doing to I somewhat know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m going to proactive the shit out of 2011. Just like the skin care treatment...which does work except that it bleaches your towels when you wipe your face. Well I won’t be whitewashing anything. 2010 was a rollercoaster year; here are the facts:
- Spent majority of the year working for a heinous boss who I will still seek revenge upon one day
- Ended a year and a half long relationship with a man I wholly loved and loved me back (a story for another time)
- Spent thousands of dollars on a bittersweet backpacking trip through Europe with a broken heart and a travel partner I wholly hated by day 2
- Currently live in suburbia wasteland in _______________ of all ungodly places...but at least it’s not ______________ (sorry _________ians)
- Have NOT been laid in at least 2 months minus one time
I would like to focus on that last point. Fresh off a break-up, I at first wasn’t interested at all in any hanky-panky if it wasn’t going to be with my lost love. His penis is something of legends as is his basic raw skills and talent. It’s something you miss when it’s gone. Cue the abundance of masturbation! I’ve never valued batteries in such an intimate way before.
After the initial sadness came that voracious need to fill the void left by him. I admit in the beginning I was in what I’d call rebound-denial. Being horny and needing to get laid yet emotionally unavailable to actually care about someone else, I was conflicted over feeling like a slut. Desperately needing some P in the V, I also didn’t want to be just fucked like some pleasure-vessel with no feelings. Then...I got laid. With the final thrust I realized, “Holy fuck this is exactly what I needed”. It was like all the hurt and frustration I’d felt over the past while over the breakup and life in general had literally been pounded out of me. Upon that moment I became a guy’s wet dream: a hot, dynamite-in-the-sack yet sweet, smart girl, looking for some emotionless, no bullshit or strings rebound fuck friend. I’d spent the last year and a half being so emotionally charged with my partner in and out of the bedroom, this encounter was about not feeling and I loved it. The romp itself was a good one and albeit I did not cum, I also didn’t fake it either. In the past I’ve been known to fake it more than once or twice which I know doesn’t benefit anyone but sometimes it’s just what a girl does for whatever reason. Part of my new proactive self is to never fake an orgasm again. As Elle proclaimed, I gave her the philosophy to never sleep with a guy who doesn’t get you off. While I’ve already broken this promise by not having an orgasm with my little-black-book friend, I solemnly pledge to never fake an orgasm again. No more pumping egos if you can’t pump me the way my love taco needs. And I know what you’re going to say, why is it always the guys fault if the sex is less than stellar or you don’t get there? Well I can’t speak for everyone but I know for a fact in my case if the sex is bad...it’s not me, it’s you. Even if I don’t necessarily orgasm, sex can still be almost completely satisfying with proper enthusiasm and generosity. One Samantha Jones has said “what a croc of shit” regarding that claim but as a wise person once said, no two genitals are the same. That person was me.
To be continued...
