I’ve had a lot of requests to air my dirty laundry and give the low-down on the man whom I have so frequently referenced. I would love nothing more than to put all the pieces out on the table for you. Unfortunately, even once assembled, the puzzle would still appear incomprehensible. Nonetheless, I will try to shine a very dim light on my esoteric relationship with The Devil.
Here are a few clarifying pieces that will help you:
1. The Devil and I dated for two years and then spent one year emotionally beating the shit out of one another in an attempt to salvage what we desperately wanted to believe was “True Love.”
2. Prior to dating, The Devil and I were great friends and he was someone incredibly special to me.
3. We have been apart for almost 2 years and we have had close to no contact. We live 4 hours apart and do not exist in one another’s cyber world. Our paths never cross.
4. I miss him every day.
5. I do not want him back.
Now that you know the vague parameters, I’ll attempt to fill in a little detail by explaining the pseudonym I have so carefully chosen for him.
While “The Devil” may be interchangeable with other negative nicknames such as Asshole, Dick Head, or Douche Bag, the meaning behind the name is much deeper. Granted, in a lot of ways he is an asshole, dick head, and douche bag, but he is also smart, funny, caring, hardworking, supportive, and a lot of other non-assholish descriptors. He was and remains to be an incredible person. He also was and remains to be a pretty shittaculor boyfriend!
The nickname “The Devil” does not reflect his evilness (he’s not intentionally evil). Instead, the nickname is more of a commentary on our relationship than on him specifically. Having him in my life, in any way, shape or form is like playing with fire. He is dangerous for me. Anything involving him is an incredibly slippery slope because I will always give him the benefit of the doubt and I will always take his side.
I know this. He knows this.
As easy as it would be to point the finger and say, “You’re bad!” I also need to take some responsibility and understand my own weaknesses. Letting him hurt me, manipulate me, or influence me is just as bad as him hurting me, manipulating me, or influencing me.
As one of my favourite philosophers, James Allen says, “When a man burns himself, does he accuse the fire? Therefore, when a man suffers, let him look for some ignorance or disobedience within himself.”
So, all of this is why we choose to live on two separate planets. We are aware of the dangerous friction between us and at the end of the day – despite all that has happened – we really do respect one another. We stay away from one another so we can give one another the freedom to live the life we each deserve.
Now that you know all the above information, you can see why my jaw hit the floor when I saw his name appear in my inbox. It had been over a year since we’d last conversed. The attempt at communication was unexpected, vague, and shook me right to the core.
I’m sure onlookers would tell me to cut him out of my life for good, and while that is an option… I don’t want to. I took some time to think about what I should do, what I wanted to do, and what I needed to do. And then one afternoon, heart pounding, I called him. We talked for two hours. It was a great and healthy conversation. It – like everything about us – was bittersweet. As we came to the inevitable end of the conversation that we both wished could last forever, I asked him, “What do we do now?”
We agreed the safest, healthiest, and ultimately only option we will ever have is to remain living in alternative universes, but to always be aware that we are in one another’s corners.
No one else gets it. No one else really needs to get it. He is just this force that is very much a part of my life even though he is not a part of my life at all.
Like fire, he will always captivate me and draw me to him. Like fire, he must be contained carefully or he could be fatally destructive. Like fire, I will always know my limits and protect myself from being burned by never again dancing in the flames.
p.s. Funny posts to resume on Monday.
p.s. Funny posts to resume on Monday.
