Asshole vs Psycho

You’ve got to ask yourself: is he an asshole or a psycho?

He gave you his number, but it turned out to be a fake number. He stood you up for a date. He thanked you after a wild night of fun, gave you a kiss goodbye, and then walked out the door never to be seen again. Sound familiar? You’ve stumbled, yet again, upon the asshole. He’s that jerk, that seemed like he was going to be Prince Charming and turned out to be… an asshole.

Before you go feeling bad about yourself or crying to your friends take a minute to realize that you’ve really dodged a bullet. Thanks to that asshole you now know where you stand. Let’s celebrate the asshole! He’s a predictable and common breed of man, and his predictability makes him easy to spot and even easier to shrug off. Since he is an asshole he’s not worth caring about so move on and be glad you didn’t bag a psycho.

The difference between the two is really quite simple. An asshole does completely self-serving things while a psycho takes it to a whole new level. For example, an asshole would pick up the phone and say to his girlfriend, “Hey baby, I think you’re great, but there is this piece of ass that I’m going to go have sex with – so I’m thinking it’s over between us.” A psycho, on the other hand, would not make that phone call but would still go have sex with the piece of ass. He would then arrive home to convince his unsuspecting girlfriend of his undying love. Oh, and incase you’re wondering, if the psycho strikes once he’ll undoubtedly do it again.

Let’s look at another, completely hypothetical situation to flush out the crucial difference between the asshole and the psycho:

Lexi, a hardworking professional went out for a night with her girlfriends. At the bar the girls met a group of guys and slowly started some flirtatious socialization. In behavior uncharacteristic of Lexi she and a friend ended up going home with two of the guys. At the house the group soon paired off and Lexi found herself in the basement (with, definitely, the cuter of the two guys). Her friend was upstairs with the owner of the house who smelt like a mix of cologne and cheddar cheese. Lexi, while not a slut, undeniably had a fun night. In the morning, Prince Charming quickly turned into Mr. Predictable as he gave Lexi a kiss goodbye along with his back pedaling excuse as to why he couldn’t give her his digits.

Uh huh. Clearly, he’s an asshole! While he should not be praised for his disrespectful behaviour at least, at this point, he is just a typical male jerk. Let’s continue the completely hypothetical situation to see where Bar Hottie crossed the line from being an asshole to being a psycho.

While Lexi and Bar Hottie were rendezvousing in the basement they kept being pestered by texts from upstairs. More accurately, he kept getting texts from Cheddar Boy. As he got the texts he would update Lexi: “They want to know if we want to order pizza,” “They said that they are going to sleep now,” “They can’t sleep and are going to watch a movie.” To be honest, Lexi didn’t really care, but it was good to know her partner in crime was having a good night (though clearly not as good of a night as Lexi). In the early hours of the morning, exactly prior to Mr. Predictable’s disappearing act he had received a text from upstairs. He informed Lexi that they were “waking up now and would be down soon.” Moments later Mr. Predictable leaned in for the infamous goodbye kiss and the rest is, as you know it.

As Lexi sat there alone waiting for the upstairs couple to venture down - as they said they would in the text - she thought out loud, “What an asshole!”

Three minutes later Lexi continued to sit alone.

Five minutes later Lexi felt the undeniable “psycho shiver” crawl up her neck. She climbed the stairs, hoping her intuition was wrong, to be received by a desolate and dark kitchen. The dining room off the kitchen was uniformly deserted as was the hallway and the first bedroom on the left. Lexi immediately began to panic and she threw open the door of the last bedroom to find an old man and a dog cuddled up and watching T.V.. Scared and confused Lexi screamed, “WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?” The equally confused old man suggested checking the living room. Lexi hustled to the living room, which was dark, quiet, and eerie. She threw on the lights and was immediately relieved to see her friend and Cheddar Boy curled up and fast asleep on the couch. At that moment it was confirmed. Mr. Predictable was in fact a psycho! For some unknown and unnecessary reason he chose to move beyond the asshole factor by composing a series of lies about fake text messages.

Seriously??? What’s going on there??? I don’t even want to break into the completely fictional psycho’s mind to find out why he felt the text façade was important. He could have simply been an asshole by leaving in ungentlemanly fashion at the end of the night. Instead he took the psycho route with a fabricated – not to mention somewhat creepy - story line.

Personally, I don’t condone Assholism, but I’d take an asshole over a psycho any day! At least with an asshole you know what you’re getting… eventually.

To the women: Next time you find yourself saying, “What an asshole!” remember to breathe a sigh of relief that you’ve avoided the creepy and useless interaction of a psycho.

To the guys out there: If you choose to toy with a woman’s heart I ask that you be considerate enough to be an asshole. No psychotic tendencies necessary.