*I would like to dedicate this article to everyone in my life who have made pooping a more pleasurable experience.
One of the most common fears in new relationships - and not just sexual relationships – is the fearful, embarrassing, horrifying first loud fart (but more specifically poop). Finally we get down to the relationship between Sex and the Shitty – literally. So you’re cuddled up on the couch with your sexy new boy toy, watching a movie when all of a sudden... the rumbling in the tummy starts, so you suck in. Then come the cramps, which feel like your organs are being pushed around by the backup of natural gas in your guts. If you haven’t relieved yourself by this point, the pain and chills are next, travelling up your back and through your shoulder blades. At this point you can’t hide the expression on your face, you only hope he doesn’t notice it, oh and that fact that you’re stone cold still, because if you move even the slightest inch you might explode. We’ve all been to this place. Despite the fancy restaurant and the hand-holding and the first kisses – having to let one rip or take a shit can make a date go from Disney to doom in seconds.
I used to let bowl movements run my life and control my dates. It wasn’t until my good friend Elle gave me the courage in a Macdonald’s bathroom that I was able to poop around my friends. Why – because they poop too. Now, with my girlfriends sitting around like a group of guys, drinking our beer or drinking wine out of cups, I’m not afraid to fart or announce I’m going to drop the kids off at the pool. Neither are they – because everybody poops right? More recently I took the open approach with the opposite sex. After of night of drinking and a morning of mowing down cornbread, my brother and I had to practically race to the port-o-potties and relieve ourselves. The outcome... me: S... look what I just fucking did...how did that even manage to come out of my body. S: Fuck Abz, what did you eat last night... but I bet you mines even worse. Now granted, this is my brother we’re talking about. He and I are bonded on a level much different than that of a sexual relationship. But conversing with my brother about the size and shape of our number two’s opened yet another door for me – guys and girls poop equally. So I developed a number of steps on how to endure farting/pooping when on a date or in a relationship.
1.) Standards... everybody poops, and I mean everybody. If a guy cannot fathom that you will be making a daily trip to the washroom to relieve your body of natural waste, well then maybe it’s not meant to be. Why hide who you are? Rather... why make yourself constipated for someone else. They’re not worth it.
2.) Be open... Yes, to some its revolting and they’d rather live in denial than know about your bathroom experience, but I’ve found the more open you are, the more people just laugh about it. When you leave a room and come back 15 minutes later from the bathroom, instead of covering yourself in perfume and pretending you took in a call in the hallway, rub your tummy and say “ahhhhh, that’s better.” Most guys will appreciate your confidence.
3.) Take breaks... This applies to farting in particular. Taking a poop in public or at someone else’s place happens in the privacy of a washroom. So it can be horrifying when a fart sneaks up, sneaks out, and people smell and look around. It’s even more horrifying if there’s only two of you, because if he didn’t fart, it was quite obviously you. Don’t let a gas build up ruin a date. Excuse yourself, walk to the washroom, relieve yourself, and return. No one needs to know what you did in there. While smoking is one of my worse habits, it’s also been a saviour. I can feel a fart coming on... Oh I’m going to head outside for a smoke. SAVED BY THE CANCER STICK.
4.) Don’t be ashamed. Of course it smells awful; you’re relieving your body of waste, so it’s not going to be pleasant for anyone. But don’t douse yourself in perfume or go crazy with a can of air freshener, that only makes it more obvious, and points out how ashamed you are of what you did. But don’t be, it’s not worth the worry lines you’ll get.
5.) Last but not least. EVERYBODY POOPS – GET OVER IT. It’s okay to be disgusted by your boyfriend if he farts 1 inch from your while you’re cuddled up on the couch, but it’s completely unnecessary for either sex to judge one another based on bowl movements. It’s the people that don’t poop or fart that have something wrong with them.
So to conclude this article, I would like to propose a challenge to all those who have yet to become confident with their excrement. Next time you’re out for dinner, or on a date, or cuddled up on a couch – DON’T HOLD IT IN. Excuse yourself to the bathroom, do what needs to be done, and then go back and enjoy the rest of the date in comfort. Let me know how easy it was, and how much better you feel knowing you poop just like everyone else.
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