My jaw nearly hit the floor. Had she really just said that? Was he really still talking to her? No wonder girls are considered the “crazy” gender.
Call them what you will – demands, threats, offers of conditional love – they are never a good idea. That’s right, today’s topic will be ultimatums! Also known as: the simplest way to ensure your man heads, frantically sprinting, for the hills (and away from you – the now insane bitch.)
My personal problem with ultimatums is that they are essentially tools of manipulation. They are just another way for relationships to be played rather than experienced. Ultimatums are games disguised as presents. They are wrapped up in pretty wrapping paper that has calculated phrases written on it like: I love you, I care about you, and This is what is best for both of us. They supposedly come from a place of love (or so the big pink bow would suggest), but under all the hidden meaning and pretty packaging the contents will still be the same: a big pile of crap.
Take, for example, the situation I began this entry with: I half listened while my friend chatted on speakerphone to her man of less than two weeks. They’d been having some issues – which after only two weeks is a whole other bag of worms – and she was concerned about his flaky attitude towards the relationship. She clearly liked him and wanted him to stick around; therefore, I was quite literally flabbergasted when I heard, to my absolute horror, those damning words come out of her mouth:
Silence. (This is where my jaw hit the ground.)
Silence.
Silence.
… and then: “Uhmm…. What the fuck is a grand gesture?”
I assumed, at this point, that the worst was over. She couldn’t possibly dig herself into a deeper relationship grave – Or could she? In response to his question she left him with three complexly simple words, “Figure. It. Out.” And with those words she nailed the coffin shut.
My immediate reaction was to laugh, and laugh I did! What was she thinking? And how, after years and years of dating, could she possibly be naïve enough to believe a twenty something guy would do anything but laugh and leave as well? In the immediate aftermath of the weapon of mass manipulation – the plea for a grand gesture – I began to realize that she genuinely saw this as a good strategy. She believed he would make this “grand gesture”, prove his worth, and they’d walk off into the sunset holding hands. She looked me dead in the eye and said, “I feel like that was a reasonable request.” Little did she realize a request varies significantly from the ultimatum card she chose to play.
A request is fine, because there is choice in the matter. A communicative relationship should encourage requests and simultaneously accept the rejection of requests. An ultimatum is not fine, because choice is lost. The subtext of any ultimatum is the impending “OR ELSE!!!” It’s obvious that, “OR ELSE” is never a phrase that precipitates pleasant possibilities.
Examples:
I’d still like to know: what the fuck is a grand gesture anyway?
