Sex and then speaking

Oh, hello Sex and the Shitty. My name is Tom Collins and I am M seeking F(s).


It signals the end of that passing moment between bodyhigh and comedown, between "oh-baby-i-oh-yes-yes-YEeEE" and "ok then, call me", between the animalistic junglefucking and the creeping realization that you're once again human. Lying there half-high on hormones and endorphines, someone finally catches breath and, no longer content to let the bodies do the talking, opens their mouth and says something.


Don't get me wrong. I don't mind that someone has to eventually say something. Sure, I'd love to stay trapped in that post-coitus haze forever (and spend far too much of my time trying to get there) but the thought of someone finishing off and heading out in complete silence is absolutely terrifying. 


And so, as if half-drunk, we try to form coherent sentences, often failing, but trying. I've heard some memorable lines. "That's pretty much the only thing I've had to eat all day." "Is the condom ok, or are we having a baby?" "How much do I owe you for that?" 


Not to say I haven't offered up my own share of swing-and-misses. Mostly I'm trying to joke my way through the impending awkwardness. "I can't believe you called me daddy, you little creep." Or like the Staple's ad: "THAT was easy!" And my all-time, deadly serious low: "Oh, wow, um, I think I'm going to puke," (then, while running to the bathroom), "from the booze, not from you!"


But the post-y'know exchange that sticks with me most gives me some optimism for the hopeless romantics who can find significance in the smallest of things. After what we can term some 'proper morning exercises', I mumbled something about coffee.


"I don't drink coffee," she said.


"What? How can you not drink coffee?"


She shrugged, adjusted her head on the pillow, closed her eyes, smiled, and said "that just means there's more for you." It sounds so small, but in that moment I truly felt like she had given me the greatest gift possible.


Tune in next time for the glorious story of the one time I farted during sex.