Preface: I have used “man” as a representative for humans of all genders. The feminist who hides out in my brain and heart has agreed to this because the muse for the article was a man. The theory is interchangeable to men, women, transgender, two-spirited etc.
Baggage: From time to time we’ve all had some. If you’ve got it I suggest you stop lugging it around and get to work on it. Baggage is an accumulated pile of crap that will follow you until you choose to face the mess. You need to get rid of the crap before you get into a relationship or it’s going to be a stinky mess. Unpack that shit! Deal with it, and whatever you do: DO NOT PUT THE SHIT ONTO SOMEONE ELSE!
We all deal with shitty things in work, play, and love. We often get war wounds from playing the game of life. Problems are unavoidable (sometimes), and assuming you won’t have to deal with baggage on occasion is irrational. Trying to avoid misery, or worse ignore it, is counterproductive. Instead we need to deal with situations when they arise and be proactive in our choices.
There is often a stigma attached to life’s woes: baggage or personal issues are frequently considered social taboos. When life knocks you down you’re supposed to spring back up and put on your game face. Generally, one who is considered tough is like Teflon: anything troubling that comes his way just slides right off without leaving any residue. I argue that the Teflon Man (or woman) is an outward expression of inner weakness. True strength and resilience comes from someone who is able to go forth, grab a hold of his problems, deal with them head on, and then place them in the past as memories rather than daemons. One willing to work for his sanity and for clarity in general needs not wear a game face; his natural expression of satisfaction and peace will be genuine.
Typically, I write about relationships. This article is no exception, as it is the formulating component of a strong relationship. One’s inward and outward identity coupled with another’s are what create the foundation of the relationship. Any cracks, in either partner’s being, will cause – eventually – the entire relationship to crumble. One needs to solve his own problems, feel comfortable in his own skin, and be at peace with his past in order to generate a successful future and enter into a healthy, supportive, and positive relationship.
A relationship shouldn’t be the stabilizer in one’s life, yet so often this seems to be the case. Lost souls find solace in the resolve of a strong partner; the frailty appears to be balanced by the fortitude. In reality, the balance is actually imbalance. Therefore, the relationship starts off on a lopsided foundation. No later compensation in the relationship will fill in the structural cracks. The feeble footing means it will never be a sturdy creation; there will always be a possibility of the structure tumbling to its demise due to the original cracks.
No matter what one is struggling with he needs to come to terms with the issue or it will manifest into something beyond his control. A problem left unresolved will turn into someone else’s problem, and that someone else will be the unsuspecting and innocent partner. It’s unfair and unrealistic to have someone else solve your problems or guide you through life– and this is where my therapist/mom analogy comes in:
If I am anything I am a problem solver and I’m incredibly compassionate. These two traits have taken me far in life but have failed me in love. Don’t get me wrong: I like to help people and I’m happy to do so, but a relationship shouldn’t be about helping someone. While help is a component of a healthy relationship it should never be the sole purpose of it. I constantly find myself in this less than ideal situation; I am a chronic helper. Believe me, I don’t go looking for it. I would love to find a man – a real man – who really knows who he is. What attracted me to my last boyfriend was that he seemed so together. Needless to say, inside he was a train wreck and when that shit hit the fan (HIS shit) I was the one left standing with the heavy duty cleaner and a big comfy couch. I went from being his girlfriend to being his therapist, and (contrary to what Tony Soprano would have you believe) that’s not sexy. Like the therapist, I’ve also frequently become the mom (Yes, creepy, I understand). I start “taking care” of the other person, because without my assistance he’ll only be able to toddle his way through life. If I start wasting my time, energy, and life on organizing his time, energy, and life: we have a problem – and the birth of the mother. I don’t want to teach my significant other how to live, show him how to experience the world, figure out his place and purpose in life, hold his hand through each experience, or protect him from the big bad world. A real man is someone who can figure things out on his own, knows what he wants, doesn’t need me to explain the rules of life to him, and isn’t afraid of success or failure.
It’s terrifying because these guys (and gals) are lurking incognito EVERYWHERE, and then compassionate suckers like me get duped into fixing their problems. Being too nice to walk away from someone who needs my help means that I (and others like me) end up sacrificing too much of myself for nothing in return.
To those who currently have baggage: you need to deal with your “shit” before you get into a relationship or else the shit will inevitably get dumped on your significant other, and even if they love you (blah that word) you will still be holding them back! FIX YOUR SHIT! Figure out who you are! Find your place in this world! … And then you can give me a call.
