Preface: This is something I wrote a few years ago. (Thus excuse the botched attempt at grammar). Some may remember it and also may have contested it. I decided to dig it up after Mino’s comment about “love being a social fabrication.” The following is a concept that I find highly useful in looking at all aspects of life, especially relationships. It is somewhat complicated, and most people write it (and me) off as being cynical. If you look closely at my argument you will hopefully see that it is actually a passionate and romantic plea for authenticity. I have included, following the article, my response to some of the messages I received following my initial publication of the post. Comments, questions and rebuttals, are absolutely encouraged as this is without a doubt one of my most vehement topics.
Love is…
In the dictionary love is defined as a noun or a verb. Love as a noun is described as “a profoundly tender passionate affection for another person.” As a verb love is “to have a profoundly tender passionate affection for another person.” Love, therefore, is a thing or an action, a place or a process. Love defined as a noun or a verb advocates that it can be obtained or accomplished; therefore, one could set as a goal the gain or achievement of love. As a noun love is suggested to exist. As a verb love is suggested to happen. There the innumerable accounts of individuals being in love (noun) or loving someone (verb). Supposed evidence advocating the idea of love is found in stories of all kind. In personal lives love is often, if not always, a central feature. In the media love is the theme of entertainment. Love is everywhere. Love is everything. However, love takes on multiple meanings for different situations and when closely examined one is able to see that love is really nothing! Love is a social fabrication, a creation, a construction and a description.
Let me enlighten you: love is an adjective, it is not a verb and it is certainly not a noun. Love is a way of explaining how you feel; love is not an action and it is not a state of being. Society has assigned the word with endless connotations and therefore implications. The power associated with the fundamentally insignificant word is magnificently complex. Individuals justify actions and make decisions based on the value society has placed on the word. People convince themselves the, generally unqualified, word has some sort of enchanted element to it. Love is not a real thing: it is not tangible, it is not attainable, it is not accessible, and it is not a realistic goal because love does not exist.
The feeling often associated with love is not being disputed. That magical-seeming feeling one gets during a romantic encounter is obviously real. One is able to feel the emotion described by the word love (adjective) but cannot be in a state of love or initiate an action of love, because love is not a noun or a verb. The word love can only be used to describe a feeling.
Although love as an adjective is acceptable, one should be careful of it: for the carelessness of society’s multi-faceted use of the word is what created the confusion and eventually ill fitted it as part of speech. Two of the most commonly used phrases are “I’m in love” and “I love…” The first represents love as a noun while the latter as a verb. Following is an analysis of each phrase that will be made by drawing out the complexities created by the word love:
The phrase “I’m in love” implies love is a place such as “I’m in Florida” or “I’m in the library”. Love is not a place; one cannot be in love. Some would dispute that the phrase suggests the subject is actually in a state not a place such as “I am in a bad mood”. Arguably, the phrase “I’m in love” insignificantly describes love as a state. It is not appropriate to say “I’m in happy” as happy is not a noun, therefore the sentence is incomplete. The phrase “I’m in love” could only correctly be deemed a state if it were changed to “I’m in a state of love”. Furthermore, the simple words “I’m in love” are often followed by the word “with” and then an object. For example, “I’m in love with you”. This new phrase, seemingly simple, confuses the word even more. Now the subject and object are in a place together but the place is only a badly described state. One would not say, “I’m in happy with you” or “I’m in a happy mood with you” yet society allows the word love to veto certain norms.
The expression “I love…” is also guilty of misusing the word. The word love cannot be acted in the way verbs are supposed to (examples: run, laugh, fuck etc.) A well-known expression adequately illustrates that love is not a verb: Actions speak louder than words. Essentially, the phrase can be read: Actions speak louder than the words I love you. If the word love were a verb it in itself would be an action, because verbs are action words.
To clarify, this rant is not an attempt to argue the grammatical or definitive definition of love. Instead, this is a deconstruction the idea of love as a thing or an action. The meaning of the word love is not being disputed, but rather the meaning of the concept of love.
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I was then told I was clearly pissed off about a man. I responded with the following:
Haha… not at all… Nor am I bitter, hurt, angry, revengeful, annoyed, heartless or any of the other things I have been called over the years. I am simply imparting my practical opinion on the world of cyberspace in hopes that others will relish in the concept of commonsense articulated through my words. Love should not ever be the reason why you are with someone. If (bold and underline that if) love is anything it should be the result of being with someone. I know it comes off a tad harsh and I can see – due to my gag-reflex to romance – why it may appear bitter. In truth it’s actually a positive and empowering philosophy. If society stopped carelessly using and prescribing the word love: then I believe relationships would be stronger, individuals would be happier and commitment would be truer. Love should not ever be used as a justification or a reason for decision.
Let me explain as simply as I possibly can: “He beats me, but I love him”. Is that not the most impractical justification? Yet, we’ve all heard it, known someone who’s said it, or even said it ourselves. I’ll take it one step further: “I’m unhappy, but I love him” another statement that is used all the time. What it really means is: “I’m unhappy in this relationship, but I love him so I stay in it.” In this case love is still the justification (and in my opinion it is still an impractical justification), but the love in this scenario is being confused with the concept of caring. It’s acceptable to care about someone yet not be with him or her. Unfortunately, because society has chosen to confuse the word love with caring (among other words) it becomes acceptable be with someone when you probably shouldn’t (“…Because I love him”).
Furthermore, love should not be a tool for making decisions. Do not base a decision, no matter how small or large, on love. Compromise… sure! But, again, do not compromise based on love. I’m going to spell this one out too because I can see some people opposing it already. Hypothetical example: a husband and a wife who have a very committed and healthy relationship receive word that the wife has been offered a job that would require her moving to another country. No matter what the end result is the basis of the choice should not be love. It should be because they are committed to one another and committed to their relationship, they are willing to sacrifice for one another’s happiness because they care deeply about one another etc. They should not simply base the decision on the notion that they “love” one another, because really what the hell does that mean?
This leads me to my final point: Society is lazy in its use of the word love. If we all just worked a little harder to explain how we are truly feeling then the multiple connotations of love would be less confusing. Try it, any time throughout the day when you say “I love you” or “I love ice cream” or “I love ________” replace love with what you truly and honestly mean. My guess is “I love (insert your significant other’s name here)” is going to be slightly different than “I love ice cream”. Seriously, try it!
This leads me to my final point: Society is lazy in its use of the word love. If we all just worked a little harder to explain how we are truly feeling then the multiple connotations of love would be less confusing. Try it, any time throughout the day when you say “I love you” or “I love ice cream” or “I love ________” replace love with what you truly and honestly mean. My guess is “I love (insert your significant other’s name here)” is going to be slightly different than “I love ice cream”. Seriously, try it!
