Why is it that men are so brilliantly attractive? The other day as a spectator at a sports event, I nearly had an orgasm while watching a ripped and gorgeous creature put on his hoodie. That’s right, put ON his hoodie! The English language does not contain enough words to illustrate how sexy the sequence was or how delicious the goods were under the hoodie. The whole scenario was like a slow motion scene from a movie; every movement was skillfully choreographed to make the female audience swoon and salivate.
Not all men are created equal, clearly, but I can appreciate various attributes on nearly all of them. (In the case of Hoodie Guy I could appreciate all of his attributes). This article is completely self-indulgent, and is mostly an excuse for me to sit around for an hour and devote every brain cell to one of my favourite topics: hot, hot, hot men. While there is more to men than their bodies and faces, for the purpose of this article they are pieces of meat that I will be devouring – unfortunately, only in a metaphorical way.
In planning the purpose of this article I have decided to tackle only the S’s of the senses: Smell, Sight, and Sound. The S’s are the senses you can appreciate from a distance while Taste and Touch require a more up-close and personal interaction. Being someone with a very stringent “personal bubble” it takes a lot for someone to get close enough for touch or taste and requires his other half – his personality – to have passed all the requirements as well. Therefore, I’m leaving this openly impersonal so I can generalize the hell out of meat… I mean men. (Thank God I’m not a vegetarian.)
Smell:
Smell requires a fairly close radius (if you can smell him from too far away – good or bad – it’s probably not a plus). Smell is important because it’s like winning on an instant lottery ticket. If he’s already smoking hot and you get a whiff of his sweet, sexy, scent he becomes instantly sexier, instantly more desirable, and instantly irresistible.
Please, gentlemen, before you go bathing yourselves in cologne understand that subtlety is the key here. The Axe Effect doesn’t exist, and if you over indulge you will lose the power of the potion. Think of it as a way of teasing her. Don’t give it up all at once, where is the fun in that?
Let’s tackle another tricky tangent in the smell hemisphere: body odor. Scientifically speaking, there are various sources of information that indicate male body odor can be a beneficial detail. It is proposed that women perhaps choose their male mate based on his body odor, and some studies suggest the smell of male body odor can alleviate menstrual pains – sorry gents, I won’t use that word again. Either way, we’re clearly not a scientific platform here at Sex And The Shitty, so I’m going to go back to corrupting you with my experiential insights:
After drooling over Hoodie Guy, my friend Abz – who you all know and love – posed this hypothetical question: “Would you have sex with him right now or would you make him shower first?” Keep in mind that he had just run off the field and was clearly hot and sweaty and sexy and… sorry… slightly side tracked there. I thought about it for a minute. Considering what he had done to me without even trying I concluded, “Fuck the shower.” Which led my mind to drift elsewhere and I dreamily changed my answer to, “Sex IN the shower.” Shower or not, the point is: I would not have been opposed to a little manly odor – as long as he was able to finish what he’d started. Obviously I’m not talking about the putrid stuff that makes you want to wash out your eyes with onions, but the mild sweat of a manly man can be nice albeit only in scarce and scattered doses.
Sight:
How do I condense all that I could say into a few paragraphs? I could go on and on and on and on about this topic. All of the aspects that go into the composition of ‘man’ are sexy: wardrobe, hair, body, posture, smile, confidence, and more. A lot though, comes down to personal preference and type. Therefore, relishing on about what I personally like has little bearing on anyone’s interest but my own. Instead, I’ll discuss the strategy Abz and I frequently put to use in effectively appreciating the art form that is man.
Basically, apart from the perfection of my Hoodie Adonis, men typically aren’t all walking sex gods. There are ranges of overall attractiveness, which are increased or decreased based on additional physical qualities. For example, a cute guy with washboard abs is going to up the ante. On the other hand, a not so cute guy with those same abdominal qualities can still be ogled; one can focus on just the abdominal attribute rather than the whole man. In addition to Hoodie Guy there was: Butt Boy, Smile Guy, Fohawk Hottie, and Wounded Warrier (he’d been injured, which possibly added to his appeal). They were all decent compositions, but for one attribute or another, they stood out. Take for analysis Smile Guy: he wasn’t exactly a hot guy, but he had these intense eyes and pearly whites that had the potential to knock one off her feet (too bad he wasn’t smiling at us). Thus, thanks to his grin he earned the nickname Smile Guy, got honorable mention on this blog, and most importantly had two women momentarily pining over him. So men, in the famous words of a hooker I once knew, “If you’ve got it, flaunt it.”
Sound:
A guy’s voice is such a seemingly insignificant quality, yet so important. A hot voice can absolutely add to the overall sex appeal. A hot voice saying your name is beyond comprehension. Take for example, the situation in reverse: One particular guy was closely combating for my heart with Hoodie Guy. He was tall, dark, and HOT. He had mysterious eyes and a smile that made me want to get naked right then and there. In having an opportunity to meet him my dreams of being ravaged were instantly obliterated. His voice was soft and incredibly sweet, cloying really. It was the voice of a guy who whispers romance in your ear not the kind who thrusts you against a wall and does whatever he wants to you. A hot guy with a hot voice is always Mmm Mmm Good! Unfortunately, for the men frantically taking notes and practicing their pitch: There is no rhyme or reason to the hot voice factor. It’s a case-by-case trial – the judge being each woman in her own right.
In conclusion, I need to go back to my original point: men, as meat, are gorgeous! It saddens me that, typically, the more beautiful the man the more skanky his soul, but I choose to let this sad fact slide when appreciating them from a distance. I especially find myself lost when my senses are in overdrive due to some sexy looking, smelling, and sounding man standing in my presence.
