Whether he was an asshole or a psycho: you loved him. Now, in the bleak morning hours of weeks gone by you feel as confused as ever. Sure, you’ve moved on; you’ve got your head on straight and your life in order. The relationship that was is no longer, and you have no desire to re-ignite the flame nor cry about his absence. Yet, something nags at you and pulls at your mind. You’ve pushed it far away; you’ve suppressed it, but it’s there – you always know it’s there.
He walked through the door. Before I even looked in his direction I knew something was… different. He said hello. He kissed me. What was different?
There is a mind-numbing sensation that comes after a vanishing act. It is, perhaps, a reaction to the pain and confusion: your body’s self-preservation from the chaos and questions that will inevitably resound in your brain. Relationships end in a multitude of ways from a fight club scene to an embrace that simply slips apart. The most mystifying end comes when someone just… disappears…
I looked at him a lot that weekend. I just looked at him. Studied his face. Every time he’d look at me I’d cast my gaze away. I couldn’t look into his eyes. He was so empty. My heart broke every time he spoke. Did he understand all the things he was saying? Did he understand all the things he wasn’t saying?
Unless you have experienced it, I am not sure if there is anyway to convey or explain the occurrence. Some may think of it like a death – there one minute and gone the next. But in death we can grieve and in grieving we can celebrate. It’s impossible to celebrate something that is not understood.
The weekend flew by, yet lasted an eternity. It seemed like it – all of it – would never end: Then suddenly it was gone. In many ways I just wanted him to leave, but I begged him to stay for just one more day. He said he had to go.
When someone vanishes from your life you feel vacant. It’s like they were washed away in a downpour of rain. Your heart is left aching while overflowing with love that has nowhere to go. There is a void in your life. Shadows paint your walls, and the clock keeps ticking and telling you it’s time to move on.
He told me not to worry, and that we’d have a special dinner the next time he was there. There would be a next time! I can’t remember if he kissed me goodbye. I stood in the doorway and watched him walk away. In that moment, I knew I’d never see him again.
Closure is unattainable.
He didn’t even look back…
