Abz recently brought up an interesting topic in response to “Bullshit Literature” by Wally Cleaver: When is it acceptable to stray from a relationship? I think most of us would proclaim, “NEVER!” I also think those who most vehemently proclaim it are the ones most likely to stray. By straying I mean cheating. Few people pride themselves on being cheaters, yet it seems like everyone has done it or is doing it.
This article will attempt to describe various “types” of cheating followed by some personal commentary on each type. These scenarios are based on what society would consider a “typical” monogamous relationship.
In Abz’s scenario, she suggested that a boyfriend/husband who hasn’t gotten any for 3+ months has somewhat of a free pass. It becomes the woman’s obligation to give him some lovin’ or face the consequences of his head, heart, and penis wandering. Let’s call this Drought Cheating: The man is essentially forced to go find something wet to quench his thirst.
Another “type” of straying is: Revenge Cheating. This is cheating for the soul purpose of giving one a taste of his/her own medicine. If your boyfriend/girlfriend has cheated on you, do you have a get out of jail free card?
A close relation to revenge cheating is “Cheating out of Spite.” This is crossing the line simply for the purpose of crossing the line. Whether he didn’t take out the garbage, he beats you, or he just pissed you off in some way, cheating out of spite comes from a place of anger.
One we’ve all heard of, but hopefully not experienced is: “The Affair.” This can be emotional, physical, online – whatever. The “affair” is an abuse of the parameters of the relationship. This is an ongoing, planned, and covered up form of cheating.
And finally, “Accidental Cheating”: Alcohol. Lots of alcohol. Intense. In the moment. One time thing. It happens.
The five categories above could likely be expanded on (and please feel free to do so), but I will now give you my two cents on each of them:
First of all, I think cheating is unacceptable. Always. Period.
Secondly, I think cheating is always the outward expression of an internal problem.
In the circumstance of Drought Cheating I would not condone cheating, but I also can’t say I would condone the woman’s actions. The difference between my relationships with male friends as opposed to boyfriends is SEX. To remove the sex means that you have removed the component that makes the relationship a relationship! The real issue isn’t the sex or lack of sex. The issue lies somewhere else in the core of the relationship. Take for example this completely hypothetical situation:
Laura loved Max. Max loved Laura. Laura and Max wanted to get married and have babies and live happily ever after in a house with a white picket fence. There was only one problem: Laura decided she wanted to stop having sex. Max wasn’t thrilled about this idea, but he loved Laura so he went a long with it. A little while later Laura broke up with Max. It turns out Laura didn’t really love Max all that much (and that was the real reason why she didn’t want to have sex with him).
In the case of Laura and Max, no cheating occurred, but it still serves to illustrate the point. Many would say Max had the right to cheat on Laura, but really the couple should have sat down and addressed the core issue: the fact that Laura didn’t want to have sex. A situation that is clearly easier said than done.
If a couple isn’t having sex and the man is jonesing I think he needs to step up to the plate and reveal his true feelings. If he’s ballsy enough to stick his dick somewhere it shouldn’t be than he should be man enough to face his partner. This is the time where facts have to be faced and questions need to be both asked and answered. The couple needs to work together to find out what the real issue is. Additionally, they need to decide how they are going to deal with the situation. I’m absolutely not suggesting that the woman should have sex with him if she is genuinely not wanting to. Instead, I think she should take a good look at what it is that she wants – from life, her partner, and the relationship. Perhaps she will find that she can’t give him what he needs because she is not getting what she needs. This could be something as simple as her wanting more romance or it could be as complicated as her wanting girls rather than boys. Either way, communication needs to be opened and soul searching needs to take place. Figure out why you’re not frisky before you’re forced to go down the “OH MY GOD, YOU CHEATED ON ME” road.
In terms of both Revenge Cheating and Cheating Out of Spite the answers are usually right in front of the couple. If you’re cheating because he cheated on you: he’s not worth it. If you’re cheating because he’s being a dick: he’s not worth it. (Same goes for guys, by the way). Plain and simple: Get out!
Now let’s talk about the most complicated of all the topics: The Affair. This one makes me want to puke. People who can have affairs are fucked: therein being the problem. An affair isn’t just cheating: it’s lying too! If he is having an affair then he has some serious personal issues; a sane person doesn’t jeopardize everything for nothing. The best thing you can do, for yourself and for him, is leave. He needs help and you need to go get what you deserve.
Finally, we come to the most frequented type: Accidental Cheating. Even the most devoted boyfriend or girlfriend can have a slip up, right? When it happens, it’s so frequently swept under the rug because it was just a one-time thing. Hah, yah right! I don’t necessarily believe “once a cheater; always a cheater,” but if it’s happened once it’s probably going to happen again. The reason for this is because he/she let the truth come out while under the influence. We are controlled by our minds. Our bodies do what our thoughts desire. The liquid truth sometimes spills those secrets we’re hiding from ourselves. Accidental Cheating is a stepping-stone to The Affair. As with Drought Cheating and the Affair the individual needs to take a good long hard look in the mirror and ask him/herself why he/she went there. Drunk or not, there is going to be a reason. The reason will probably not be pretty, but you need to face it before it spirals out of control.
Cheating, no matter what or why or how or when comes from a long path. Cheating is the final bodily act of thoughts that have percolated somewhere in the brain. Not dealing with the thoughts or suppressing them early on will cause the inevitable fate of cheating.
