As you are already aware, I’m moving.
Wait!
Stop the fucking car!
Stop the fucking car!
You’re NOT aware that I’m moving? You don’t wait with baited breath for the blog to be updated? You don’t hang on my every word and write important things like “Elle is moving soon” in your diary? You suck! Get out of the VIP section (Yes, this imaginary cyber car has a VIP section… betcha wish you were back in it).
Maybe I shouldn’t have had a glass bottle of wine before writing this post?!?!
As I was saying, to all you cool VIPers, I’m moving. Actually I already moved (out of hell). I’m currently couch surfing at my parent’s (purgatory), while waiting to move into my new place (heaven).
One would assume this whole living at home business to be the catalyst of my recent abstinence spell. Regretfully, I have to be honest and inform everyone that this is not the case. You see, if this were true than it would mean I had been getting some a few months ago while living solo back in hell. Instead, I spent a year in that apartment, and the only guy I banged was the same guy whose name was on the lease (who was gone long before the ink on said lease had time to dry).
I see you nervously looking around at the others in the VIP section, and I know what you’re thinking, “A year without sex, yet you have a sex blog? We realize you’re not a journalist, but have a little credibility, Elle.” I hear you readers. I understand your concern, and while I am indeed rocking a rough dry spell I can assure you it is only a dry season, not a drought. You see, I didn’t bang a single guy at my place but I have indulged in some fornication at the homes of gentlemen in surrounding cities.
You know the saying, if walls could talk? Well despite my lack of promiscuity at said apartment the walls could still tell quite a few stories. They saw many gentlemen saunter out the door on their walk of shame home. This is because our darling Abz made it her duty to ensure my place was always used to the best of its ability. My apartment basically became Abz’s personal love shack. She reaped the benefits while I spent my nights solo or out of town. She had morning sex in my shower while I spent my mornings washing the 45 glasses we always managed to use. Then on the one occasion where I actually did bring someone home she managed to – accidentally – cock block me!!!!!
It’s a funny story. it goes a little something like this:
Abz and I enter my apartment at 2:00 am, with two boys in tow. We all start hanging out in my living room. We take a shot of whatever alcohol was left from earlier in the night. Immediately following the shot Abz begins to feel nauseous. Rather than retreating to the washroom she decides to go to my room. Ten minutes later I go in to check on her and she is passed out cold. This upsets me because a) she needs to entertain the other guy and b) I’m ready to get my freak on IN MY BED! I tell her these things and shake her, very gently (but desperately). Abz turns into the devil and basically tells me to fuck off. I fear for my life and return to the living room. Luckily, Abz’s guy realizes he has become the third wheel and politely heads to the bedroom. I feel momentarily bad for Third Wheel as I hear Abz warn – in a voice that sounds like the exorcist – “If you touch me I’ll fucking murder you,” but I am soon preoccupied. In the morning I wake up… on the floor.
I HAD TO SLEEP ON THE FUCKING FLOOR IN MY OWN APARTMENT! Not cool. My dude had passed out cold right after the fun had ended (the fun which didn't include sex because couch sex reminds me too much of high school). Being that he was a giant there was no room on the couch for me. My bed has enough room for three, but when I went to crawl in beside Abz I realized she was actually snarling in her sleep. I again feared for my life. Instead I resorted to grabbing a spare blanket and curling up on the floor beside the couch. I woke up to a face full of carpet. Sigh.
To conclude, I sincerely hope my luck is going to change with this new abode, but this is mostly due to the fact that my new living room floor is hardwood and I’m thinking that would be significantly less comfortable to sleep on. Something’s got to give and my luck has got to change sooner or later.
Anyone want to help me christen the new place?
