A few days ago I was visiting Abz at work and she was telling me about a colleague who draws boyfriends. Yes, he draws boyfriends. Based on what he knows about his co-workers and friends, he humorously composes a portrait of that person’s ideal mate. Brilliant, I know! Abz showed me her “boyfriend” and we had a good laugh, but I was obviously super jealous. I wanted in on the fun, but unfortunately the artist knows nothing about me. Luckily, I have very little problem putting myself into awkward situations so we hunted him down and explained that I needed a bf too. After a short interview he confidentially assured me I’d be receiving a bf for Christmas. Clearly I was pumped.
This whole “composing a boyfriend” thing got me thinking, wouldn’t it be great if we could do this in real life? Wouldn’t dating be more fun if we were upfront about what we wanted and only dated people who fit our ideal mould? These thoughts led to more thoughts and pretty soon I was patting myself on the back for – once again – being so mother fucking brilliant! I’m not much of a mathematician, but I think numbers might be a really fantastic way of finding a good mate (or, at the very least, finding someone good to mate with). We should all carry around a list of qualities that we are looking for in someone else with a related point system (higher points for qualities that we deem “more important”). Whether there be a first date or a chance encounter, each individual can fill out the other’s quality card to see if they are even worth the bother of a date. We could even pass the list out to friends and family and have them set us up with people who ranked high. This is rating oneself in the eyes of another, and while it is possibly unromantic it’s so unbelievably practical that I can’t believe I’m the first person in the entire history of the world to come up with it… I definitely am. Now, for this to be even remotely effective, the initial physical attraction must be there (the “it” factor)! There is just no way around it. I don’t care if you have a Mercedes and a huge dick: if I don’t want to drop my panties when I first lay my eyes on you it’s just not happening! The list also needs to be quite detailed otherwise it’s just a waste of time (everyone is going to claim that they are “funny” and “honest”).
Obviously you’re not going to meet an individual with a perfect score (and even if you do you will be so self-conscious and blown away by Mr. Perfect that you’ll fuck it up for sure). This isn’t about meeting the perfect person, but it’s about meeting someone that genuinely fits what you are genuinely looking for. So, in attempt to be the creator of the biggest phenomenon of 2011 I present to you my list. (Next year at this time, I’ll be replacing Mark Zuckererg as Time’s most fascinating person!) A “perfect” score via my list is a whopping 300 points. Go through my list, rate yourself (even if you’re a girl… why not?), and let’s see who I’d be most compatible with based on this innovative theory. When you’re done, why not create your list and pass it around to your friends, family, first dates, and strangers.
Height pick one…
5’7” or shorter +0
5’8” – 5’10” +1
5’11” – 6’3” + 5
6’4” – 6’6” +7
6’7” or taller +0
Body pick one…
Scrawny (could be snapped in two by a gust of wind) +0
Lean (thin but not very muscular) +2
Chubby (meaning … uhh chubby??) +1
Fat (Obese) +0
Athletic (obviously works out) +8
Super fit (could be on TV) +10
Steroids (self explanatory) -5
Penis pick one…
Extra Small (if it is comparable to spaghetti, a gherkin, or a baby carrot) -5
Small or No Penis + 0
Average + 7
Large +8
Extra Large (if it is comparable to a forearm) +3
Non-Negotiables select all that apply to you…
Has a career (no… not a job, a career) +8
Bonus: Loves his career +4
Has a car +4
Bonus: Has a nice car (nice car to me = anything that isn’t a total beater) +2
Has been in a long-term relationship +5
Likes sarcasm +10
Makes people laughter hysterically +10
Knows what the fuck he is doing in bed +10
Likes the Office and IT Crowd +2
Deductibles select all that apply to you…
Smokes -6
Has mommy issues -10
Is still in love with his ex -7
Has never cheated on a gf -5 (He’s totally lying)
Has cheated at least once -1
Is a serial cheater -10
Has cheated but denies it -5
Picky eater -7
Is allergic to animals -10
Messy -4
OCD/Neat freak -6
Owns more shoes than I do -3
Gets jealous easily -7
Clingy (doesn’t give me my space) -10
Rude (to servers, to cab drivers, to strangers etc) -8
Obsesses about money/Cheap -7
Has a moustache -4
Hunts -10
Bad driver -10
Doesn’t have a post secondary education -7
Doesn’t have a post secondary education because he dropped out -10
Careless with money -7
Pointless things that are important to me select all that apply to you…
Owns a Mac +10
Is artistic +3
Is musical +6
Enjoys reading +4
Loves animals +5
Can write sentences that are grammatically correct +7
Writes grammatically correct text messages +5
Doesn’t use “lol” +3
Likes wine +8
Has a dog (a real dog… as in not little rat dogs) +10
Likes sports (especially hockey) +8
Plays sports +7
Works out +8
Likes cooking +4
Likes trying new food +7
Will not be embarrassed of me dancing in the car +6
Will dance with me in the car +10
Digs sweat pants +3
Owns a truck +4
Likes history +7
Likes traveling +6
Doesn’t live in my current shitty city +9
Gives good back massages +6
Likes giving back massages +2
Enjoys meeting new people +4
Talks in his sleep (since I’m usually up all night it helps if I’m entertained) +2
Is good at math +2
Perfect teeth +3
Has either no tattoos or is drenched in tattoos +5
Looks hot clean-shaven +5
Looks hot with stubble +8
Looks hot with a beard +5
Dresses well but will still let me dress him +5
Handy around the house +8
Is an ass man (I don’t have big boobs, but I’ve got a great ass) +5
Tips well +4
Is a morning person +5
Drinks coffee +5
One green eye and one blue eye +1
Is spontaneous +6
So... tell me, how'd you size up?
