This is explicit, definitely rated R, and possibly a little gory. I warn you in advance that this is going to get graphic so either brace yourself now or get the fuck outta here!
Sex. Foreplay. Doin’ it. It’s all fun and games, except when it sucks. Sometimes guys are oblivious to the little things they do that are a total turn off. Here are a few trips of the trade:
Turn Off #1: Playing the “geography” game
First and foremost… please make sure you know where the fuck the vagina is. I’m ashamed at the male race for even forcing me to write such a sentence.
Maybe an after-drinking game should be “pin the penis on the vagina.” If you can’t find “it” on a diagram you probably shouldn’t go looking for the real thing. It’s kind of like the same idea as those breathalyzers you have to breathe into to start your ignition. Which leads me to turn off number two...
Turn Off #2. Drucking… aka Drunk Fucking (by that I mean genuinely obliterated fucking)
Drunk, sloppy sex is just plain gross.
Sadly, this is NOT a mood killer for a man. For in his intoxicated state he continues to wind and grind against anything and everything that feels remotely like a hole. It’s not until he cums, looks around, and realizes that she’s not even in the room anymore that he understands what has or hasn’t been going on. At this point though, he has already gotten what he sought and is now entering the "post orgasm comatose stage" of sex. *Note: this is a stage which women don’t go through and which we greatly resent at the best of times.
Turn Off #3. Woah, easy boy!
It’s great that you’re excited, but there is no need to rush. Unless you’re looking for a quickie (which at the right time and place can be hot) you need to slow things down… way down. There is nothing worse for a girl than just starting to get warmed up when he’s just about to blow his load.
Turn Off #4. They call it a MANicure for a reason
Guys, you can sometimes cause pain by doing stupid shit: like not clipping your fingernails. Do you find it painful when a girl claws your back with her fingernails? Well imagine how we feel when you’re tearing at our insides… literally. That’s some sensitive shit we’ve got going on down there. It’s often compared to that of a delicate flower or a piece of succulent fruit. Don’t you dare hack away at it with those razor blades of yours.
Furthermore, if the girl says, “Ow, your nails.” Please take it as a polite cue to either give your tongue muscle a workout or to stop all together. Taking the route of chomping off your nails, right then and there, like a cave man is neither sexy nor helpful. Have you ever felt your nails after giving yourself a dental-manicure? Jagged!!! Now you’ve created razor blades with little spikes. No thank you!
Of course, guys are clueless about this because in seeing the weapons of vaginal-destruction woman will usually just “pounce” upon the dick out of pure fear. The guy, in turn, reads this as her being incredibly turned on. She is not doing this because you are a sex god. She is doing this because she is terrified of her vagina being anywhere near your gangly fingernails.
Turn Off #5. You’re suffocating me
If you’re a big guy and you’re on top you need to assume “the position.” Meaning, hold yourself up with your arms. It’s hot feeling the weight of a guy, but NOT all 190 lbs of him! You’d be amazed at how hard it is to enjoy sex when you’re being smothered.
Turn Off #6. It’s all in a name
Get her name right.
Turn Off #7. I’m not wiggling because it feels good!
Again, let’s go back to the pain factor that was originally addressed in Turn Off #4: Pain isn’t sexy (unless you’re into S&M). Nothing you do should cause her pain. If it does, stop! If you’re well endowed be considerate and take it slow, we’re not all trained professionals. It’s not pleasant to feel your organs being poked by his member. I get that you want to go deep, but if I feel like you’re rupturing my spleen I’m probably not going to cum.
Turn Off #8. Laughter is the best poison
Having a great sense of humor is a pretty standard attribute that girls look for. That being said nothing you say/do should make her laugh in the bedroom. A friend of mine was recently indulging in a pleasurable scenario, but her level of pleasure decreased greatly when he opened his mouth. While they were doing it, he started to verbally plan out the date he was going to take her on later that week. He was probably trying to be romantic, but she spent the whole time trying to hold back giggles rather than moans. “I’m going to take you to a really nice restaurant… a really really nice restaurant… I’m going to order us a bottle of wine… oh yah baby… you like that? You can even get dessert… ooo…”
Turn Off #9. Sloppy seconds
Don’t talk about what you’ve done with other people… I don’t care to know, and I especially don’t care to know WHILE WE’RE DOING IT!
Turn Off #10. Chatter bug
Throwing in the odd “You’re so hot!” or “I love your ass” is an excellent way to sex up the sex. Dirty talk – in moderation – is acceptable too. Having a conversation about… anything… is not so cool. Random facts about life are also unwelcome, “Did you know that BPA can be found in newspapers, receipts, and even toilet paper?”
Don't fuck up the fucking.
