I believe I could have a very lucrative career as a pimp. While this statement may be somewhat outrageous I say it with absolute sincerity. If my current career ever goes under, my dream of becoming a rock star dies, or I just get bored with life I may seriously have to consider pursuing this avenue.
I know what my strengths and weaknesses are and I have come to terms with the fact that I am not ever going to be President of the World (but if this position ever becomes available I urge you to vote for yours truly). I sincerely believe becoming a P.I.M.P would be the next best thing. It’s the only other way I can earn some major coinage and hold all the power!
Reasons why I would be a good pimp:
- First of all, I get along famously well with men. Not in an “I’m an attention whore” kind of way, but in an “I can drink beer, talk sports, and rate hot girls” kind of way (see “guy’s girl” for more info). I know how to “speak” guy and I fully appreciate and admire all ignorance and arrogance of the male species. See Tucker Max. Hell… I regularly wonder where my penis actually is. I can legitimately see myself sitting around smoking cigars, and sipping an Import Malt while discussing important business matters such as stocks, sports, and pu$$y. My time spent hanging out with the male species has led me to unlock many secret workings of the male mind. I feel my ability to communicate with men on the behalf of women would make me an asset to both worlds.
- I’ve always been a bit of a business woman. At the age of 13 I was banking, weekly, a profit of $80 - $120… (hopefully I do not need to clarify that this was through things like babysitting, pet sitting and lemonade stands not pimping endeavors).
- I’m attractive enough myself that I would be a good “face” for my product. Unlike that butchy girl in the pimp costume who once kicked my ass at a Halloween party. I’m thinking my business could be called something along the lines of “Class and Ass.”
- I’ve already dabbled, successfully, in the pimping world. My friends can attest to this. If you’re trapped at a club; starving and penniless; or just bored I’m the one you need. I once arranged a peep show viewing of Abz’s chesticles in return for muffins. This may seem like an odd arrangement, but we really needed those muffins! At that moment those muffins might as well of been millions. I’ve bargained with men for drinks in exchange for a dance with my hot friends (that’s right, they dance and I drink). I’ve even gotten free cab rides by offering my friends up as commerce. What? Don’t look at me like I’m a horrible person, my friends all got a – small – cut.
- I’m feisty enough to put any guy in his place, should he treat one of my girls in a distasteful way. I’m a lover, not a fighter, but I’m scrappy when need be.
- I’m creative. I’ve got a knack for both interior design and party planning. These two talents together would merge to create the atmosphere of “Class and Ass.” My brothel would combine the sensual appeal of femininity with the rugged comfort of a solidly masculine sports lounge. Think: lots of dark leather and big screen TVs with King sized beds and 1000 thread Egyptian Cotton sheets. Hot!
- I’m charming enough to talk/flirt my way out of most illegal, immoral, and dangerous situations. “Oh, hello Officer…”, “Oh, hello God…”, “Oh, hello crazy man with a gun…”
