“I got mugged. She took everything I’ve got,” said Carrie Bradshaw in reference to a run in with a waxer. Ms. Bradshaw had gone in for a bikini wax but left balder than a before shot in a Rogaine ad. Apparently, our favourite protagonist was not used to such a drastic degree of landscaping because she ads, “I feel so weird… down there now. I feel like I’m nothing but walking sex.” She soon learned how true her statement was as her Brazilian led her to get down and dirrrtay with little thought or resistance.
It’s fascinating that ripping hair follicles from ones valuables can transform her into Walking Sex. The power of The Brazilian: it’s a wonderful, dangerous reality.
Like Carrie, many of us book flights to Brazil without any preparation. Sure, we’re aware that the voyage to the Land of Bare is going to be turbulent, but we’re not versed on the psychological repercussions that follow the landing. No one warns us that Brazilians somehow short-circuit the brain into acting like a nymphomaniac. From the reserved Charlottes to the freak-a-leak Samanthas, The Brazilian will up the anti and have you doing things (and people) you wouldn’t expect from yourself.
When in a committed relationship, Brazilians are totally necessary and are nothing but awesome! When single, Brazilians are totally necessary but are precariously awesome! A couple of months after becoming single, I was scolded by my esthetician for my extended absence from Brazil. My justification: Brazilians make me slutty! Every time I get a Brazilian I end up sleeping with someone – usually someone I shouldn’t be sleeping with. This happened with four Brazilians in a row. It was like clockwork:
March 2010
Thursday afternoon = Brazilian
Thursday afternoon = Brazilian
Friday night = Sex with stranger
Saturday morning = Regret
Saturday morning = Regret
April 2010
Thursday afternoon = Brazilian
Friday night = Sex with pilot
Saturday morning = Walk of shame
Thursday afternoon = Brazilian
Friday night = Sex with pilot
Saturday morning = Walk of shame
May 2010
Thursday afternoon = Brazilian
Friday night = Sex with friend of a friend
Saturday morning = Awkwardness
Friday night = Sex with friend of a friend
Saturday morning = Awkwardness
June 2010
Thursday afternoon = Brazilian
Friday night = Sex with guy who has a girlfriend
Thursday afternoon = Brazilian
Friday night = Sex with guy who has a girlfriend
Saturday morning = Ah shit!
After the fourth episode I decided I needed to lay off of the landscaping – temporarily. I had to take some time to mentally compose myself for The Power of The Brazilian. I had to coach myself in preparation for the big leagues. I had to meditate, visualize, and resist. And then, when I felt strong enough to counter the depraving effects of The Brazilian, I lay down on the bed of torture and underwent the deforestation process. (Did our male readers just pass out?)
I am now a responsible member of Brazil. I no longer let the intoxicating influence of the The Brazilian control me. I led my head make the decisions rather than my dirrrty bits. I keep my legs closed and unlock my panties with logic rather than desire.
But…………….
Like a recovering alcoholic at a keg party, I’m constantly tempted. In fact, being at a keg party is incredibly dangerous. Booze + The Power of the Brazilian = CODE RED!!!! The desire to take off all my clothes and hump the first hottie I see is almost rationale after a few Jägerbombs.
So I will end this post with gentle warning for the ladies: use The Power of The Brazilian wisely. Just because you feel like walking sex doesn’t mean you have to be walking sex.
P.S. if you’re a virgin to The Brazilian go here and then go get one ASAP!
