**Disclaimer: You know how the last thing you should do is throw rocks at a beehive? That's kinda what Elle and Pickle did this morning. Pretty much everything here was written before nap time. I've edited for spelling/grammar, but otherwise pretty much left it alone. It gets a little weird – my brain filter wasn't functioning well this morning. You've been warned.
That's right, Elle. Pimp for daddy. Pimp for daddy, you little bitch.
So this has been an interesting morning. I wake up far too early after being up far too late, and I drag myself, bleary-eyed to my computer to check my RSS feed. Humor, humor, comic, humor, funny, etc. I hit the button again, and up comes a Sex and the Shitty post. Interesting. This is roughly what my thought process was, in chronological order:
- Another SandtheS post – goodness we've been posting a bunch lately...
- Elle posted again? Isn't this her third post in the last day and a half? Do we have to tie mittens around her hands?
- Oh look. Elle is pimping me out. I encourage this.
- I KNEW I'm fucking badass. Go me.
- Hehe... mocking stupid people. I love it.
- Wait a minute... you're quoting me. Where are you going with this?
- Ah shit. Now you're quoting Mrs. Pickle. This is not going to end well for me.
- Hehe... Maxy-poo. That makes me sound cute and adorable. And stinky.
- BWAHAHAHA! (This thought actually went on for quite a while... thank god I don't have roommates to listen to me laughing like a maniac.)
- Oh shit – now I have to write a response to this. There goes my morning.
And that pretty much takes me up to when I started writing this response.
The big question now is how to respond.... Since I'm mildly sleep-deprived at the moment, a point-by-point response is about all I can muster. So here it goes:
- I love you, too, Elle. Thank you for pimping me out.
- Well-played with the “moron” comment. I was hoping to pack my followers list with a bunch of self-conscious idiots.
- I think it's funny how one throw-away line in a post I made inspires this entire train of thought that spirals nearly out of control. It's like we're dating already.
- It frightens me slightly that you and Mrs. Pickle are in cahoots. Either of you alone are more than I can handle. Together? Fuck me.
- I do love the images.... I'm not sure who drew what, but I love them all.
- Chick with a huge hairy mole on her face. I can't rule her out. Cindy Crawford? Even about 15 years past her prime, I'd still do her. Besides – if the mole is too bad, I can put a bag over her head. Butterface much? And to preempt any worried comments: If I want to use her mouth, I'll cut a hole in the bag. And make sure it's a cloth or plastic bag. Genital paper cuts are fun for no one.
- Fat sloppy chick with saggy nipples. Cheese puffs are OK. Well, maybe a small handful. And no more than once per year. Just enough to remind you that that shit is awful. And as sexy as I find Eric Cartman's older sister, it's the saggy nipple thing that I struggle with. I just don't think I should be able lick someone's clit and nipple without moving.
- Chick with raging eyebrows. This is easily fixable. A temporary setback. If I can't convince her to do something about those eyebrows, I have a decent supply of duct tape at hand, and she'll fall asleep eventually. Problem solved.
- Girl with big head and tiny arms. AKA fucked up proportions. Heh. When I was born, the doctor told my mother that he had never seen a baby whose head was bigger than his shoulders before. Come to think of it, this might be the reason that my dad gives me the “you ruined everything I have loved” look every now and again. Anyway, we'd have to be really careful and use several forms of birth control, lest her vagina be torn asunder by passing a beach-ball-sized melon from betwixt her legs. And the tiny arms imply tiny hands. And tiny hands make your cock look HUGE. Win.
- Chick with lopsided boobs (And a fucked up hand). Let me address the boobs first. It's the best of both worlds – I can be a card-carrying member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee as well as having a huge boob to suffocate me if I wish. That's a win-win situation if I've ever heard of one. Now the fucked-up hand worries me a bit. I'm going to need more clarification... if that hand is ginormous, I will demand all junk-grabbing to be done with the other hand. Is it some sort of weird “all fingers are curled in like it's gripping something” thing? I can work with that – lube it up and I'll give it a whirl. But yeah – I need to know more before making an informed decision.
- Gothic chick with big boobs and no arms. I'm failing to see the downside with this chick. Big boobs and she can't push me off her before I'm done? What's not to like? Add to that the fact that she clearly likes pain (I can't imagine nipple piercings are the most comfortable thing to get in the world) and you get that slight element of danger, what with her being goth, and you have the makings of the perfect woman. By any chance, do either of you have her number?
- Chick with the tiny mouth (and the inability to give fellatio). I have a very key question when considering this chick: Does she have teeth? If the answer is no, then I take the “inability to give fellatio” as a challenge. If the answer is yes, then we might have an issue. I would hope she has a clear and easy path to her asshole.
- Cross-eyed chick that needs to shave. The shaving thing is easily solved (see my eyebrow solution above). The cross-eyed issue can either be solved with my mole-face solution, or I could simply spend a lot of time with my junk in her face. That way, I wouldn't think she's cross-eyed, but merely staring at my marvelous junk.
- Chick with a dead conjoined twin still attached to her. I think I'm pretty safe in saying that we all agree that two-headed chicks are hot. What worries me, though, is the fact that the twin is dead. Now I like necrophilia as much as anyone, but I usually like to keep my illicit affairs with live chicks and my illicit affairs with dead chicks separate (except for that one time in Tijuana, which explains why I don't drink Tequila after midnight – but that's a blog post for another day). So, if the dead twin is going to kill the live twin, then I have a limited time to get in and get my business done before this moves into the necrophilia stage (and I hope this goes without saying, but dead chicks don't make for good long-term relationships, at least without some good embalming and intense refrigeration, neither of which I can do here). On the other hand, if the live twin will be able to continue on just fine, then I see potential, as long as we can work through jealousy issues of constantly sharing a bed with my mistress.
I'm not going to lie – this blog post got a little away from me. This is what happens when Elle and Mrs. Pickle team up. If you don't like this, it's entirely their fault. If you're amused by it, I'm taking complete and total credit. Yeah. I just did that.
Now, there have been some comments to the blog post which need to be addressed, lest they inspire the rumor mill to start up. Without further ado:
- @Anonymous: This is an out and out lie. All my skeletons have been cleaned, bleached, and fully articulated, and they reside in my spare room. I keep nothing but clothes in my closet (though you are right about the figurative skeletons, I will concede).
- @Little Miss: Your hometown sounds awesome. Maybe I could meet some of those chicks, perhaps even date you. And to engender goodwill and begin flirtation, I leave you with three of your favorite things: poetry, text speak, and inappropriate sexual advances
roses r redvilets r blusho me yer tits
- @Whiskey: I defy you to find someone you want to motorboat more than the three-breasted chick from Total Recall.
- @Mrs. Pickle: In short, yes. But you know that trick where you tie a cherry stem in your tongue? I think the next level is untying a labia with your tongue. And is a challenge I am more than willing to accept.
- @Not who I will be: You have good taste in blogs. That makes you smart, attractive, and appealing. And I agree with you about the conjoined twin chick, except that you don't need the qualifying statement.
- @Soph: You are even smarter, more attractive, and more appealing, since you called my blog the best. Excellent taste in blogs. And the only thing sick about her is that she appears to be somewhat splay-footed.
