Apparently I am not mentally or emotionally responsible enough to have an online dating site membership. This is why:
I have plans to meet up with a guy from Match. We've exchanged 2 emails, 6 text messages, talked on the phone for 12 minutes and 17 seconds, known of each others' existence for 8 days, and I can... not... stop... thinking... about... him! Are you kidding me? A total stranger has invaded and taken residence in my brain with his sexy stranger ways. I don't even know anything about him other than an autobiographical paragraph stating "the best way to get to know each other is in person" and the fact he appears to wear cowboy hats when he visits the beach. And what is so irritating about this is that I am a completely rational woman. I'm not one that has been sitting around for years, pining for the day when I meet my own Prince Charming. I love being single, I love my independence, and quite honestly think this Match.com gig is so great not because of the dating, but because I get to publicly exploit the awkwardness of other members of the online dating community. But now, this dude... this beach bandit... has turned me into a puddle of drooly, gaga, dreamy-man-mush. I check my phone constantly just to see if the speakers on my ringer are broken and I missed a call or text. I hit "refresh" on my Facebook friend requests because maybe he too realizes that we have a mutual friend and what screams "true love" more than that?! I lay in bed and think of the potential of our shared interests of traveling, food, and physical activity. We will undoubtedly get along famously, and I can't imagine anything other than a serious, long-term relationship developing instantly. Those weren't awkward silences during our single phone call... our burgeoning love is just so intense that words dare not interfere.
After we meet in person, there will be no need for me to move out-of-state to pursue that Ph.D. I've been planning on for years... I'll be totally content keeping my mediocre job and relocating from one of the most vibrant cities in the U.S. to join him suburbia where he owns a small business. After all, we only need our love and intense physical chemistry (which we will undoubtedly have) to pay the bills. After our immaculate courtship, we'll have a destination wedding in the Alps that requires guests to trek for 4 days to get to our private castle, then we'll all feast on local wine and rare pâtés during our month-long marriage celebration. Once eternally unified, we'll take over the world. We'll own pieces of royal art gallery collections, meditate with religious icons, and have ongoing political discussions with Bono as we casually cross paths backstage at all of our favorite concerts. We'll own a beach house in every coastal region of the Americas and cabins/huts/bungalows in at least 14 of our 15 favorite countries. We'll inherit his family's world-class winery in Chile, but instead of continuing to sell bottles at their current rate of $300 each, we'll keep them all for ourselves and enjoy wine with our egg-white frittatas in the mornings and with our 10-year aged manchego in the evenings (...no, I don't know for certain that his family owns a successful Chilean winery, but at this point I can't see why they wouldn't). We'll toy with the idea of having children after we've scaled Everest without oxygen for the 7th time, but then realize there is no real biological rush since we discovered that age-reversing herbal remedy while we were volunteering in orphanages in Southeast Asia. Our dog will be named Fluffy.
I think these are all reasonable conclusions to come to given our interactions up to this point. This must be the real deal, because I honestly can't see our relationship heading in any other direction. I did mention I don't even know him, right? Good.
So, like I said... compleeeetely rational woman. :/
-Miss Matched
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