My mother's daughter.

I was raised by a submissive mother and had an alpha father.  He was an airline pilot and could have (and may have) had his choice of women.  My mother claims he did.  He died fairly young and can't defend himself.  My mother was focused on appearance and even now is beautiful and slim.  She cooked, baked, sewed, grew our vegetables and never worked outside the home, well until my father passed away that is.  My parents were very respectful of each other but I didn't see physical affection from them.  I knew they read hard-core bondage material because I found theirs when I was 12.  The day my dad died I overheard my mother crying to relatives about how much she was going to miss sex, my guess is they had a very good sex life.  My mother once told her daughters that she could have been a high class escort and then laughed.  I believe she could have been, had she been born at a different time.  She had me at 19.

My mother was the prettiest mother on the block but she was jealous of her three daughters.  She coveted my dad's attention and made it quite clear he was hers, not ours.  My mother once asked me if my father 'visited' my room at night and I was old enough to know what she meant.  I answered honestly and with vehemence NO!  She must have believed me because she never brought it up again.  I was horrified and thought my dad must be sending off a signal which triggered my mom's question and I made it a point to alienate my dad.  We never really had a relationship after that.  My mom told my sisters when I was in my 20's what had happened and what had triggered the question, it was my journal where I was writing pornographic stories.  I was only just 14 and I guess she thought I was getting educated somewhere.  She should have realized I'd been reading their books for a couple of years and with raging hormones and a writers mind I wrote my own stories.  I was angry when I found out why she was suspicious.  Why couldn't she have asked me why I was writing what I was?  Instead I pushed a great male role model out of my life.  He must have wondered what the hell happened, but then chalked it up to teenage angst I'm sure.

To this day I haven't talked to my mother about what happened and what I chose to do afterwards.  She's terrible for talking about deep things and would rather bury everything than deal with it.  We're very different in that regard.  I used to have dreams where I'd fight with my mother, terrible fights, I'd awake and be grateful they didn't happen.  I think I needed the dreams to get out some of the anger I had towards her.

As I've gotten older I've forgiven her.  She was doing the best she could at the time, she had no idea what the effect would be, in fact I'm sure she made no connection in regards to me alienating him.  I'm pretty sure she was glad because of her own jealousy, but I don't think she was malicious in her intent.  We are only 19 years apart and this makes her think we're in the same age category, and she'll refer to me as someone who shares her experience.  Her dating life she links with my own.  She didn't like it all that much and has tried to dissuade me from dating because of 'bad' men.  She chose to settle with married men and I have not.  She was much older when she started dating and can't compare her experience with my own.  I know that, she does not.  She remains alone and maybe I will at some point, but it won't be with bitterness.  I've loved my experiences, even the terrible ones because I learned something from them.  She did not.

I did gain some wonderful things from her.  I am not afraid to be a woman and girly.  I learned how to make myself look presentable and to be body conscious.  I am not afraid to be submissive.  I know that sex is not a bad thing.  I am open minded about sex because of exposure to certain material at an early age.  I know that aging can be done gracefully and beauty can be retained longer after most women hit the wall.  I know that class is an attitude not a standard of wealth.

She was on a pedestal for years and I worshipped her.  I learned that she was flawed, like all of us, and she fell hard.  I've learned to extend more grace towards her and our relationship is as good as it's going to be and I'm happy with it.  I know she is too.  I'm grateful.