I have a new guy, and I'm not sure how to handle our situation. I call this eligible bachelor "30 Rock" because in my drunken stupor first email to him, I was feeling particularly exhausted, bitter, no-time-for-bullshit bitchy and this means I spewed sass. Among a few sarcastic reasons of why we may be a good match, I ended the email with "Hey, your profile says you like 30 Rock. I'm watching 30 Rock right now. If that doesn't mean we're soulmates, what does?!" He didn't respond to my email for about 3 days, leaving me to think he actually took me seriously and I had scared him off before he even talked to me (normally they at least meet me first).
Lo and behold, he did eventually write back and now we've been talking for a few weeks. Turns out he signed up on Match and listed himself in my city, but didn't actually live here (but was moving within the upcoming month). I didn't learn this until a few emails in, but it turned out to be great - we wrote each other long, entertaining emails without the pressure of anyone actually saying "hey, I want to meet you in person." Then one unsuspecting afternoon, as I was buying booze and fancy cheese with a friend, I got a phone call from an unknown local number. Normally I ignore all phone calls, particularly unknown numbers, but since it was local I figured it was work or a doctor ("Hey, you're fired!" or "Hey, you're going to die in 7 hours!"). Nope - it was 30 Rock. On his 19 hour drive to my city. WHAT?! Whoa buddy... things are moving a little fast - but fortunately I bought an extra (x5) bottle of wine, which was sufficient to calm my nerves enough to continue our email conversations.
After a few more online exchanges, I started to notice a trend. These awkward Match.com messages always have about 5 conversations happening at once.
Paragraph 1: "This is why I think you're soooo unique and special."
Paragraph 2: "I like this kind of movies/TV/music."
Paragraph 3: "I hate children but will pretend to like them since you are holding your niece/nephew in all of your profile pictures."
Paragraph 4: "Here is your 4th chance for you to display your lack of typing/grammar/spelling skillz."
Paragraph 5: "How was your weekend/Any plans this weekend?" (this of course depends on whether it is before or after 12pm on Wednesday)
So anyways, I started to notice that the satirical format I just came up with became a reality. I would type one thing, he would type something uncannily similar. I would include a YouTube link in paragraph 3, then so would he. I would send an informative article, so would he. Um, do we not have our own personality, 30 Rock? I am definitely reading too far into this, but this weird progression of mirror-emails freaked me out. Despite this, we continued talking and it was somewhat enjoyable. After he settled into his apartment, he called me again. I ignored it (I'm a pansy). He called again. Shit. So I finally a few days later, I called back, and we talked. For an hour. The first 15 minutes were okay, the 2nd 15 minutes were a good excuse to get more exercise (I was walking my dog), and during the final 30 minutes I planted a garden, harvested some carrots, cleaned them, chopped them, cooked them, pureed them, made ginger-carrot soup, oh, and also solved world hunger (okay maybe not, but it dragged so long that I thought of every possible alternative of how I could've been productive had I not been on that phone call, and I was really fucking hungry).
In all fairness, our conversation really wasn't that bad. I mean, I did voluntarily talk to him for an hour, but here is what I remember best: he does "awkward laugh" to fill in awkward silences. More than once I wanted to start a sentence, but had to cut myself off because he was still laughing at something that was never funny in the first place. We are also both science nerds, and so when I told him about project going on a work, he started posing scientific questions and wondered about looking at ischemic cardiac responses to blah blah blah. I hate my work life enough, I don't need to talk about it in my free time. And then, the format thing came back up. I would tell a story, and he would hear a word that must've triggered an "oooh, she's talking about nature... I saw a tree once, I bet we can relate if I tell a story about a tree." It's hard to explain, but it was like he really followed my lead on everything, like a puppy. Too bad he's 7 years older than me.
So there's all of that to consider, and here's the real issue: he's only living in my city for 10 months. He has an apartment with a fold-out chair, no cable, no internet, and did I mention he's moving away in 10 months? Because of the time I've invested in talking to him, and the fact I did enjoy about 70% of it, I do kind of feel like I owe it to both of us to meet in person (and there is what whole "you never know what could happen!" thing). My friends have even offered to get me plastered, go to the bar with me, and then get me re-drunk after the date is over. The problem is: I don't even know him and I think I don't like him (which brings us back to the original problem I thought he had with me!). Since he has lived in town, we've spoken the once on the phone, exchanged quite a few text messages, and he has called me and left about 6 voicemails (to which I always respond in text... because I am a bitch). I hadn't heard from him in a few days, so thought maybe we were on the same page. Two days later: his voicemail. Yesterday: my text response. Today: his voicemail. So I don't know what to do. I'm on Match because I am trying to meet more people, and obviously nothing with anyone else has worked out so far. I'm picky as hell, and this guy can spell, is athletic, smart, tall, etc. He doesn't even like rap music. I also always bitch in general about how it's unfair to judge someone's entire being based on one or two interactions. I don't strike up Match conversations with many people, so maybe there is something to our online chemistry... but I really just don't know if I'm up for finding out (not to mention, the more dates I go on, the bitchier I get. May God have mercy on the man I marry).
So SATS confidants - what should I do?!?
-Miss Matched
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| I have a feeling this is a preview of our next phone conversation... |
