Schwyzer starts off his article by stating that, "Male masturbators can’t seem to catch a break. From Orthodox Judaism to traditional Buddhism, the religious strictures against men masturbating are ancient and enduring. (Because the spiritual authorities were so often ignorant about female masturbation, women caught a rare break. You can’t condemn something if you don’t believe it exists.)"
Schwyzer mentions his observation that in recent years female masturbation has become a less inhibited topic of discussion. Schwyzer mentions Sex and the City and how the show featured the vibrator known as "The Rabbit" which seemed to push or allow women to speak up and out about masturbation in certain circles.
I agree that as of late it seems that women are more willing to talk about masturbation. I think this is a good thing as it wasn't always this way. As Schwyzer mentioned earlier, most religions have disregarded female masturbation as historically the thought was that it rarely existed, if at all.
Admittedly, I hadn't given much consideration to potential for male embarrassment regarding masturbation as I figured it was a non-issue for most men of a certain age. I have historically felt this way as much mention of sexuality in the media caters to the male gaze and desire. Whether it is a Maxim magazine, porn flicks or even a mainstream theater film where a man conquers a woman due to his supposed charm and bravado. The male desire is shouted from the roof tops and therefore it seems that men are taken care of.
Also, several of the close male friends I know have informed me at one point or another that they rarely discuss masturbation or sexuality, other than the occasional, "yeah, I slept with her" or "yeah we're dating."
I suppose I have fallen into the traps of media and ashamedly patriarchy. Baaad little feminist!
But I can say with ease that Schwyzer's article has brought forth some enlightenment. I have been saved! Hallelujah!
Schwyzer, speaks of a law professor by the name of Eugene Volokh, and a recent blog post where he addresses the issue of male masturbation myths. Volokh believes that most men aren't as comfortable using sex toys as women are. I agree. Sex toys seem to be a girl thing. I believe this is so as many women have a difficult time climaxing by intercourse alone and sometimes they need a little help.
Now, that I think of it I have always known of male sex toys I have never given any real thought about whether men really take advantage of them.
Volokh says that one of the reasons men feel uncomfortable experimenting with sex toys is because there is this myth that "real men" (straight men) should be satisfied with real vaginas and if they are curious about other forms of stimulation then there is something wrong with them.
For the purpose of Schwyzer's column post, he spoke to Education Program Manager for sex toy shop Good Vibrations. Schwyzer asked Charlie Glickman why he thought society seems to be more comfortable with the idea of women using sex toys. Glickman, seems to concur with my original thought which is that male sexuality is often thought of as simple. I had figured that men know how to climax and do it frequently, usually without fail.
Glickman also echoed many conversations I've had with male friends and partners, that when boys are growing up they usually learn to masturbate quickly in order to avoid getting caught. Glickman, tells Schyzwer, that many adult men masturbate in the same way they did as young boys.
Glickman, also tells Schwyzer, that in his experience he had never met a gay man who took issue with their partner masturbating but the women he has met seem to take issue with their male partners doing so.
In other words there is a stereotype when it comes to how men seek and receive pleasure. Even as I type this out, I feel ashamed that I had never really stopped and paused to give this much thought.
Schwyzer is good to point out that, "In a lot of traditional heterosexual porn, men seem much less interested in pleasure than in performance. The man’s orgasm concludes the scene, but a question is often left hanging in the air: what did he really feel? Female porn stars show pleasure (or, in some genres, pain) and the camera focuses intensely on their reactions. But the man just huffs and puffs away, working away at the task at, um, hand. The “cum” he shoots onto his co-star’s face or belly is evidence that the sex was real. But it’s not much of a clue to what he actually felt."
I will add, that this is one of the harms of pornography. Not only does porn tell us how women are supposed to react to a man's prowess (or lack there of) but it also tells us that men are supposed to perform and enjoy pleasure in a stoic manner. Porn lies, porn is patriarchy.
Schwyzer reminds us that, "This disconnect around pleasure and performance shows up around masturbation."
So, what does this mean for the future of men? How should men and woman (myself included)
Let us open the door for discussion ladies. Because of the male pleasure myth, men may not feel so comfortable opening up to their female partners. Let's just let our men know that we are supportive and that there is no shame coming from our end.
For those women who still think that a man shouldn't need a sex toy, perhaps listening to a man's feelings on the subject will bring forth some empathy and acceptance.
Cheers to Professor Schwyzer for offering me some light.
Earlier Schwyzer mentioned Good Vibrations. I personally am more of a fan of Toys in Babeland. I first discovered this sex toy shop when I lived in Washington during my undergrad years. I travelled to Seattle with a couple of friends and they introduced me the world that is Babeland.
Babeland first opened in 1993 in response to the lack of women-friendly sex shops. The store has locations in New York as well. For a while there was a shop in Los Angeles but it unfortunately closed down. If you are to ever enter one of the Babeland stores you will discover quality products and a really clean and friendly atmosphere. The men and women who work in the shop really know their stuff. Many are sex educators. The stores also offer workshops geared towards exploring sexuality.
Yes, Toys in Babeland is a shop owned by women and aimed towards a female market but men do not fret. There are plenty of male toys to peruse.
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The Fleshlight is probably the most rumored about and well known. It is meant to resemble an actual vagina.
Here, I will post a couple more choices. All can be found at the Toys in Babeland website or at actual Toys in Babeland stores.
The Tenga Egg is a masturbation sleeve that is packaged in the form of an egg.
And for those who want to dabble in prostate pleasure...
Aneros Prostate Stimulator
For reviews for these products, or to gander at the plethora of male sex toys, just head on over to Toys and Babeland.
Toys in Babeland also has their own YouTube channel! Check out simple promos and descriptions of toys.
Lucas demonstrates the Cobra Libre men's vibrator and masturbation sleeve, made by Fun Factory and brought to you by Babeland
5 Ways to Use Penis Rings
I love love love the below video. I hadn't seen this video until now and it's so playfully funny. Also it's set to the song of Genius of Love by Tom Tom Club. One of the best songs ever!
Kelly and Darlinda demonstrate some various positions with the Iceberg Love Bumper
There you have it. Let's be safe out there folks!
For more info on Hugo Schwyzer visit his blog site here.
For more info on The Good Men Project click here.
For more info on Toys in Babeland visit the official website here.
