Rosker starts out by saying that the best thinkers of our time have had difficulty understanding why men use pornography. But I think even laymen understand that regardless as to why, pornography is used quite often by the majority of men everywhere.
Rosker asserts that when a man and woman are in a romantic relationship it is important that the two make decisions about the viewing of pornography just as a couple would make a joint decision about most things.
"If we all took a moment to do a little soul searching, what we may find is that we are inspired to look at porn because it puts us in the driver’s seat of the sexual experience. We don’t have to do something for someone else. We don’t have to go too fast or too slow. We don’t have to lay still or get on our knees or roll over, stand up or sit down. We can have it our way, right away. We aren’t accountable or responsible for anyone else’s sexual enjoyment. Sounds perfect, right? It may even sound refreshing.
Here is the problem. When we look at sex from this angle we are only considering what WE want and what WE need. This is supposed to be a partnership, right? Just like picking out the couch, both people are supposed to like it. Both people have to sit on it. You both want it to be comfortable. Why wouldn’t the same be true of sex?"
Rosker's first paragraph accurately describes what I have been saying about pornography for years. One of the reasons (as I think there are more) men (this blog post is addressing heterosexual men) watch porn is indeed because they have the control. There's something I'd like to add to Rosker's description.
Yes, porn can offer men what they want at the time, but it offers control in a myriad of other ways. A man, can choose what type of video or videos he wants to watch. He can pause, fast forward, and rewind as much as he wants. His TV clicker serves as a scepter.
Another aspect of control is that the main job each female adult actress is to make certain that they are showing men that they love whatever it is that the men are doing to them. WHATEVER it is.
There is no asking for permission, there is no frustration that one's desires might be rejected, there is a woman who is always willing. The fact that the woman is viewed as something that is less than fully human is often a turn on to men, and that my friends, is called patriarchy. Patriarchy serves up a hot heaping plate of control and many men do not want that compromised.
Rosker suggests that it is important for couples to sit down and talk about why pornography is so important to one individual and so offensive to the other. My solution to this has been to avoid entering a relationship where a man is interested in pornography in the first place. If a man is willing to put down the porn for me, that is not enough. I need a partner who understands that pornography is harmful for socio-political reasons and the political is personal.
I should also add, that if a man (or woman) is willing to cease all porn use for the sake of the other person, tension is bound to ensue. One will most likely end up feeling resentful of the other and then you've got another problem altogether.
As much as I dislike pornography I think it is unfair to ask someone else to give it up. Why you ask? Because if a man were to give up pornography for my sake, that means it is not for his sake. Sounds simple but that's an important distinction. I've mentioned this in prior posts about pornography. An example I commonly use is in reference to drugs or alcohol.
Ever been in a relationship, or know of a relationship where one person swears off alcohol or drugs for the other person? Somewhere along the line the substance user will most likely feel resentful that someone else is making them stop. Then comes the hiding of the Jim Beam and the weed. Not all porn viewing is an addiction but there is a threat of porn use behind the back of the other party.
Now, I understand that not everyone is going to make the bold choice of disengaging in any kind of relationship where the man wants to use porn. Rosker's advice is geared towards existing couples who are currently dealing with the issue.
Rosker suggests,
"Ladies need to ask, What about porn makes me feel less than the object of the porn?
Men need to ask, Why am I assuming my sexual desires and needs aren’t going to be met? Why am I assuming I have to use porn to be satisfied?
Women need to begin to understand and embrace their own “wantedness” and beauty. Most women write themselves off as unwantable starting at around age seven. It’s hard to believe it starts this young, but if we hand young children makeup and fancy clothes, what do we expect them to think? They are going to believe that the way they are naturally is unwantablecyber hussy or a cheap lap dance.
Men live in constant fear that their sexual needs are not going to be met. This false understanding is one of the biggest reasons why the pornography industry exists. If men were under the impression they were going to feel sexually satisfied within their relationships, would they ever have a reason to shop around? Many men never voice, never examine, and never talk about what it is they want from sex. Therefore, they may spend a lot of time feeling unsatisfied. Most of us are never taught to communicate our sexual needs. Who was going to teach us that, our fathers? Not mine! Our gym teacher? Our baseball coach? Our fraternity brothers? Our cousin with all the girlfriends? This isn’t even part of our “coming of age” culture. Most of us barely get enough good information to make our “thing” go into the other “thing”. It is no wonder we are wandering around, surfing the net, feeling restless. No one ever told us we needed to examine ourselves and then express what we want in order to get it."
I understand that women may feel insecure and may fear that the adult film actresses servicing the male adult actors are what their, boyfriend/husband really wants. Perhaps that's true, perhaps it isn't. Rosker's advice to women is that they work on debunking the idea that a man's viewing of porn suggests that they lack beauty and are unwanted.
I've heard a lot of men say that even though they watch porn or they attend strip clubs, it is their girlfriend/wife that they want to come home to at night. That's fine and dandy but it doesn't erase the problem. In the past I have dated men who have used pornography (magazines, videos) and attended strip clubs. Initially I did fear that the women my boyfriends were oogling were women they found more attractive than me. Later that wasn't so much of a concern as the fact that they felt comfortable watching a woman degrade herself.
I realize that the word "degrade" is often used in the pornography debate and perhaps overused. Even so it fits. All porn viewers (whether they be male or female) are willingly participating in an act that applauds a woman's choice to exploited. And yes, I did say, CHOICE. Women make these choices for a myriad of reasons. Some do it for economic reasons, some love what they do and believe that inflating the male ego is a way to be admired in a genuine way, some believe it is a one way train to fame, and and and. The list goes on and on.
Viewing any form of porn is also a common activity in which men feel they can bond. Whether is sitting in a strip club cackling, suggesting specific porn videos to a buddy, or looming over a Playboy or Maxim magazine and comparing mental notes.
Knowing this, how is it that a woman would not feel threatened or disappointed in the behavior of the men in their life?
Rosker tells us that men are in constant fear that their sexual needs will not be met. He says that it is this belief which keeps porn alive. I cannot (ever) speak for every man, but many of the men I know and have known, have told me that they basically want their cake and want to eat it too. They want the women they love (or like) and they want porn. When I have asked why, I've been offered vague responses. Most of them fall into the, "well we're guys", category. As in, "Don't you get it? Of course we want it, that's what men do!"
Well, historically and presently yes. Most men use porn. But most men also give into the myth of male weakness which suggests that men just can't help themselves, or that it is biological destiny. Whether any of this has to do with a genuine fear that a sexual need will not be met, I don't know.
If there is truth to this and there are men that can attest to this then this brings forth concern. A concern about laziness and lack of respect. Respect for one self and their partners.
I wonder if conversations are being had between both partners. Rosker says that men aren't encouraged to talk about what is important to them in sex. I think this goes for men and women both. If men truly feel that they cannot communicate their desires with their partners then I can only hope for the sake of both members that this is something that can be worked on. If not then there will most likely be on going frustrations and a decline in unity, security, and affection.
Rosker suggests that if couples effectively communicate they may make discoveries about each other that weren't known before. The couple may find that if they use porn together they will enjoy it, or that the two can make arrangements to have sex in the afternoon, or in different areas of the house. His point is that communication is key. Although, I believe that pornography is harmful to a relationship, I do agree with Rosker that communication is important for those who view or do not view porn.
