A recent topic was brought up from the survey we have asked you all to complete (Take our SATS Survey!) His - presumably the person is a male - statement was: “Lately, I have noticed a trend: women have been firing the gardener!” I laughed for about an hour after reading that!
The reader wanted to know, more specifically, if the hippie mentality for the pubic region was a growing trend or if women were just being lazy. I think this is an excellent topic, and one I or someone else will get to at another time. For now, dear anonymous reader you’ve inspired me to discuss a topic that I am passionate about: The Brazilian!
This article will be very educational. Ladies, if you haven’t visited Brazil I’m going to arm you with all the travel precautions you need… it’ll be up to you to book the ticket. Gentlemen, you may want to take a seat. This could get a little gory, but it’s information you ought to know!
Where to begin… ah… with a little story:
The shower is hot and steamy. She’s been soaking for a while now because the heat feels good on her sore muscles. She’s finished washing her hair, scrubbing her face, and singing Whitney Houston at the top of her lungs. There is only one thing left to do. She grabs the razor, takes a deep breath, and begins to lower her hand… lower… lower… lower…
All of a sudden, the shower curtain bursts open. She screams. A towel is thrown over her body and she is flung over a shoulder, carried briskly out of the bathroom, and tossed on the living room couch. Before she can even look up she knows what’s going on. She knew they’d come eventually…
Standing in front of her are three super sexy women in cat suits: a blond, a brunette, and a red head. Think, Charlie’s Angel’s meets Cat Woman. She’s met her match: it’s The Pussy Pack!
These are women who stop other women from making the horrible mistake of shaving. Why the hell would you want to put RAZORS near something so delicate? Once you’ve met the Pussy Pack you’ll never go back, because they will convince you and give you all the information you need to throw away your razors for good (don’t actually throw them away. You’ll still need them on other areas).
Okay, now here comes the BRAZILIAN 101:
- What: A Brazilian is a hair removal treatment using hot wax. It differs from a bikini wax because it removes ALL the hair down there! (A bikini wax removes only the hair you would see if you were wearing a bikini… get it?)
- Where: Down there… yah, as in your vagina!
- When: The hair needs to be long enough for the wax to attach to, but not too long. A good rule of thumb is about 2 weeks of growth, or when the hair lies straight (not curling). After the first time you will go back on a regular 3-5 week rotation (this will be discussed at a later date).
- Who: YOU!
- Why: Because it’s a million times better than shaving, it’s a hundred times better than letting it grow wild, and it’s far more realistic than electrolysis. Additionally, both you and your man will love it, I promise!
- How: You lie on your back and the esthetician will remove the towel draped over you. Yes, it is awkward, but it is worth it. She will put some hot wax on a small area of hair and rub a wax strip over it. The skin will be held taught and she will then pull it off very quickly in the direction of the hair growth. You will probably scream or cry. Repeat.
Here is some more honest information about the Brazilian:
What can I say, the truth hurts?
- Yes, it’s going to hurt. Actually, it’s going to hurt like hell, but buck up babe we’re women… you know… the tough gender! To be honest, it gets easier the more you do it. Eventually, it will take less time and the hair will come in finer.
- It’s kind of like losing your virginity: the first time isn’t the greatest. You won’t get a true idea of the results until at least the second time. Think about it from your vagina’s perspective: That’s a whole lot of chaos going on down there! It might react negatively, but don’t give up hope. The second time round will be better (and easier) and by the third time you’ll be jonsing to get it done!
- Two essentials for any woman planning on traveling to Brazil: EXFOLIATE AND MOISTURIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Use a moisturizer with aloe)
- Yes, it’s weird having some woman poking and prodding down there, but we’ve all been to the gynecologist and it’s a lot less intrusive than that!
- It shouldn’t take a long time. The first time might take awhile depending on the length and coarseness of the hair. On a regular basis it truly shouldn't take more than 10 minutes. A traumatizing experience will come from a shitty esthetician. Ask around and get advice as to where to go. Also, ask about the estheticians technique: does she know what the fuck she is doing? There is absolutely NO reason why she should need someone else in the room to help her (I’d like as few people seeing my vagina as possible, thanks). If she is good she will be able to do it on her own with YOUR assistance. It is important that she has you help out to hold the skin tight. Believe me, this is both crucial and the sign of a trained professional. Unlike what we look for in a man: the best waxers get in and get out. The faster the better!
- The very top of your vagina is the MOST painful. Underneath on the labia is really not bad at all. Surprising, eh? To ease the pain, a bit, try a landing strip or triangle.
- Try to relax, the less tense you are the less it will hurt. (I know, easier said than done).
- VERY IMPORTANT FOR THE GENTS: You need to be understanding of the fact that, unlike razors, Brazilian women can’t just “get ready for the night” so to speak. If we’re on week 4 there is going to be some hair, so fucking deal with it. Roughly it goes like this:
Week 1: Totally smooth sailing – no hair in sight
Week 2: Maybe a few stray hair showing beneath the surface
Week 3: Some hair not as lovely as week 1 or 2
Week 4: It’s back… and it’s time to make another appointment!
Week 1: Totally smooth sailing – no hair in sight
Week 2: Maybe a few stray hair showing beneath the surface
Week 3: Some hair not as lovely as week 1 or 2
Week 4: It’s back… and it’s time to make another appointment!
So, for those of you who are still reading this I know what you’re thinking: This sounds like a lot of pain for not a lot of gain. To that I have to say, “YOU’RE WRONG!” Brazilians are the greatest thing since sliced bread! As I have already stated, your man will go wild, but screw the men (and oh you will). Brazilians will make you feel sexier – even when you’re wearing sweatpants. You know how getting your hair done always makes you feel like a million bucks? Well getting hair ripped out from your body will make you feel like a billion!
Brazilians are also more hygienic. Do you even know why we have hair down there? It’s so back in the caveman days we could collect our scent to attract prospective partners… ew… that’s fucking disgusting! (Thus why I’m a supporter of the TRUE Brazilian… if you’re going to go all that way you might as well go all the way. No landing strip or punk-out triangle on this gal!) It’s worth it, that’s all I can say. Three plus weeks of awesomeness for seven measly minutes in hell… you do the math.
Happy travels.
